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Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, February 14, 2017 7:46:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
troy3000
Posted: Tuesday, February 14, 2017 10:49:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/25/2009
Posts: 1,908
Neurons: 587,495
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

You deserve to have a good time after a hard day's work.
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Thursday, February 16, 2017 3:50:14 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 999
Neurons: 10,869
Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Hotdog guy gives him a loaded dog, Buddhist gives him $10, gets nothing back.
Hotdog vendor explains, "Change comes from within."

What should be shall be-The fellowship of the ring-
Hope123
Posted: Friday, February 17, 2017 10:57:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Wednesday, March 15, 2017 6:28:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,588
Neurons: 385,852
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland



In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, March 16, 2017 8:47:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Hope123
Posted: Friday, March 31, 2017 11:55:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Got a chuckle, JJ.

k

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, March 31, 2017 1:20:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Hope123
Posted: Friday, March 31, 2017 5:33:08 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Schlooky, Applause




The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, April 1, 2017 4:45:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:)




"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, April 1, 2017 5:47:33 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Good one, Schlooky.

I don't know about Colorado but in 2018 it will read Canada.



The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, April 2, 2017 12:53:47 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Yeah so I hear :)




"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, April 2, 2017 8:57:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Sorry - best I could do today - 😀



The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, April 3, 2017 4:37:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:D

Some jokes are more on the lighter side but nevertheless still funny





"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, April 4, 2017 5:34:35 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,588
Neurons: 385,852
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"


In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, April 4, 2017 4:19:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Tuesday, April 4, 2017 5:28:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 11,330
Neurons: 403,544
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
99% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I remember, therefore I am.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, April 8, 2017 1:32:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
black alonso
Posted: Sunday, April 9, 2017 10:29:49 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/21/2015
Posts: 6,407
Neurons: 32,952
Location: Heidelberg, Baden-Wuerttemberg Region, Germany
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, April 9, 2017 1:12:57 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
FROSTY X RIME
Posted: Friday, May 5, 2017 6:52:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/20/2015
Posts: 999
Neurons: 10,869


What should be shall be-The fellowship of the ring-
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, May 21, 2017 1:55:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Bedells
Posted: Saturday, May 27, 2017 12:31:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/14/2015
Posts: 3,099
Neurons: 526,482
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.


The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.


This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.


The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.


Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:


"Cindy, you have sinned."
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, May 27, 2017 3:36:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Q: What do college students and the Canadiens have in common?
A: They've both finished their year by April.

Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A: The Montreal Canadiens.



"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, June 20, 2017 2:06:56 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, July 2, 2017 12:31:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
IMcRout
Posted: Wednesday, July 5, 2017 12:43:50 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,204
Neurons: 546,023
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Found somewhere on the internet:

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “Were outta here.”

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
Luker4
Posted: Sunday, September 24, 2017 7:10:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 11/19/2013
Posts: 4,219
Neurons: 23,666
Location: Wrocław Pracze, Lower Silesian Voivodeship, Poland
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, September 24, 2017 1:28:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 34,128
Neurons: 1,242,804
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, October 31, 2017 8:23:27 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,588
Neurons: 385,852
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland



In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, November 26, 2017 11:50:01 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
I just realized I haven't done the hokey-pokey in ten years. I guess when you get older, you forget what it's all about.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Hope123
Posted: Monday, November 27, 2017 8:59:14 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Bess me father for I have sinned. I have killed a politician.

~

I'm here to listen to your sins, not your community service work.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, November 28, 2017 6:24:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 41,588
Neurons: 385,852
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Special Express Line




In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 3, 2017 12:47:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
I don’t see anything that's the slightest bit of a stretch with any of the following:Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life
The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem valid... (copied from email without editing)

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE....
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Hope123
Posted: Monday, December 4, 2017 3:57:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,821
Neurons: 45,145
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
A warning to all be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking. Last night I was out for a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I had a few too many - not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home. I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests. Because I was in a bus, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and with no accidents, which was a real surprise - because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
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