Mine is:

Superman was flying over New York. He spotted Wonder-woman on her apartment's rooftop. She was sunbathing in the nude. Superman thought, "I could swoop and have sex with her. I could do it so fast she wouldn't know what happened."

Superman did it.

Wonder-woman said, "What was that?!"

Invisible-man said, "I don't know, but my butt feels like hell."

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I am carrying my heart~I am carrying my rhythm~I am carrying my prayers~But you can't kill my spirit~It's soaring and strong (Paula Cole's Me Lyrics)***We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We ARE spirtual beings having a human experience.(T.deChardin)***There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. (Albert Einstein)

A person went to a restaurant. He ordered food. When the waiter brought it on his table, he said to him: "What!? There's a flies in my soup." And the waiter responded: "Don't care about it. There's a spider in the bread who will take care of it."

Maybe you guys would like this one:


Subject: My 1 Day Employment


So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

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I am carrying my heart~I am carrying my rhythm~I am carrying my prayers~But you can't kill my spirit~It's soaring and strong (Paula Cole's Me Lyrics)***We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We ARE spirtual beings having a human experience.(T.deChardin)***There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. (Albert Einstein)

Question:
What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vender?

Answer:
Make me one with everything.

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"Those who give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." Benjamin Franklin

This is not very elegant:

Q: Why is Frankenstein a dickhead?

A: Because his nuts are in his neck.



Q: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?

A: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W23LKD9Z1hw

@ Christine re: My 1 Day Employment.

News Flash;

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night!

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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RULES ARE FOR THE OBEYENCE OF FOOLS AND FOR THE GUIDENCE OF WISE MEN

Thanks for all the jokes. You make me smile!

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I am carrying my heart~I am carrying my rhythm~I am carrying my prayers~But you can't kill my spirit~It's soaring and strong (Paula Cole's Me Lyrics)***We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We ARE spirtual beings having a human experience.(T.deChardin)***There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. (Albert Einstein)

Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant or hotel names withheld!)


Shrimp and crap salad for two.

Grilled pork shop.

You can have crap on your pizza.

Tepid chicken salad with bread.

We give you water only when you ask.

Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.

The cock is recommending today's beef.

We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done.

The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.

Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.

Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.

Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.

Try traditional Finnish pee soup.

We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others.

Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.

This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat.

Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes.

Blini served with cream and not real caviar.

Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries.

Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry.

Meat with sweat and sour sauce.

Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream

Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls

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I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

(This joke must be told aloud to have its full impact.) So, "hear"s to comedy:

Setting: 1984, Auditorium, VFW Post #354, Scarsdale, NY - Special lecture series aimed at enticing young teens to serve, and to strive for "Honor, Decency, and the Military."

"Youngsters, we have a special guest today who truly embodies those special qualities that can turn a military man or woman into a revered hero. Please join me in giving a special Scarsdale welcome to the most decorated Flying Combat Ace of World War I, Colonel Ollie Olssen of the Royal Swiss Airguard!"
(APPLAUSE)
Out comes Colonel Olssen, a bedraggled, unshaved 90-year-old wearing an ill-fitting tan flight suit and a leather flight helmet.
The emcee stares for a moment, and recovers smoothly. "Colonel Olssen, Ah, thank you for visiting us today. We are all eager to hear about your most exciting adventures while shooting down 26 of the Kaiser's fighter-planes. Ah, for you kids who don't know, the Kaiser was the leader of Germany during World War I. He was the enemy of Switzerland, and the United States, after we entered the war. Is that right, Colonel Olssen?"

The old man has a surprisingly powerful, deeply accented voice. "Yah, dat's fer sure," he replies. "But you call me Ollie, by Gum. Okay?"

"Certainly, C - ah, Ollie. It is an honor. Now what was your exciting story?"

"Wal, one morning me and my squadron was flyin' over Yermany, and suddenly off to the north there were these twelve Yerman Fokkers headin' our way. Then we look to the south and we seen eight more Yerman Fokkers, and then..."

The teen-aged audience is beginning to giggle, and some of the mothers in attendnce are looking positively outraged.

The emcee hastens to explain, "Ah, let me say, kids, that at the beginning of the 20th Century, the Yer - I mean German Luftwaffle flew in biplanes named after their manufacturer. And so they were called Fokkers. Am I right, Colonel Olssen?"

"Oh, yah," the old man says, smiling. "Dat is right, young man. But dese Fokkers were flyin' Messerschmidts."

Wabbits
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mither, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby
or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really gives a thit."

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A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~

An Irish wolf got caught in a leg hold trap : chewed off three legs before he escaped.



( Sorry Gabh )

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Sanity is not statistical

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed,
Then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' Replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

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RULES ARE FOR THE OBEYENCE OF FOOLS AND FOR THE GUIDENCE OF WISE MEN

This one, I think, should be in the "grammer" section.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas........

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RULES ARE FOR THE OBEYENCE OF FOOLS AND FOR THE GUIDENCE OF WISE MEN

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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"Unless someone cares a whole lot about something, nothing is going to change. It's not." - Dr. Seuss