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Please could you take a look on this article? Options
genegrin
Posted: Sunday, October 30, 2011 10:52:20 AM

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Location: Mariupol, Donets'ka Oblast', Ukraine
Hello,
Please could you take a look on this article? Is it a readability stuff? I think that article is bad. But I'd be glad to get your feedback.
http://www.mydreamsailboat.com/boating-reviews/dream-sailboat
Thank you.


Fast Lane Web Design - "One look is worth a thousand words"
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Sunday, October 30, 2011 1:21:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
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Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hello genegrin!

I only read the first paragraph of the article, but found three grammar errors and one example of 'bad choice of word'. If you are reading it to find out about boats - OK.
If you want to read it as an example of English - it is bad.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
jmacann
Posted: Sunday, October 30, 2011 4:31:43 PM
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Location: Spain
Is the content any better? -then read on, genegrin.
genegrin
Posted: Sunday, October 30, 2011 6:23:43 PM

Rank: Member

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Location: Mariupol, Donets'ka Oblast', Ukraine
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
Hello genegrin!

I only read the first paragraph of the article, but found three grammar errors and one example of 'bad choice of word'. If you are reading it to find out about boats - OK.
If you want to read it as an example of English - it is bad.

OK, Thank you. I knew that's the poor article. I'll try to correct it or remove it our ever.
Let me know 'bad choice of word' if possible.

Fast Lane Web Design - "One look is worth a thousand words"
genegrin
Posted: Sunday, October 30, 2011 6:28:26 PM

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Posts: 31
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Location: Mariupol, Donets'ka Oblast', Ukraine
jmacann wrote:
Is the content any better? -then read on, genegrin.

What do you mean? I've not got that.
Thanks.

Fast Lane Web Design - "One look is worth a thousand words"
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, October 31, 2011 8:34:46 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 32,592
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Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
genegrin wrote:
Let me know 'bad choice of word' if possible.

What 'caught my eye' was the fact the author used the word "all" four times within the last two sentences of the paragraph, with three different meanings.
(the first 'all' in the last sentence has no meaning and the 'at all' has very little meaning) 'All they do not tell you about how to choose the right sailboat; they only say why you should choose “this” sailcraft at all.'

Is this an article you wrote, or one you are reading to find out about sailboats, or one you are reading to practice your English?

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
genegrin
Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2011 8:07:54 AM

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Location: Mariupol, Donets'ka Oblast', Ukraine
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
genegrin wrote:
Let me know 'bad choice of word' if possible.

What 'caught my eye' was the fact the author used the word "all" four times within the last two sentences of the paragraph, with three different meanings.
(the first 'all' in the last sentence has no meaning and the 'at all' has very little meaning) 'All they do not tell you about how to choose the right sailboat; they only say why you should choose “this” sailcraft at all.'

Is this an article you wrote, or one you are reading to find out about sailboats, or one you are reading to practice your English?

Drag0nspeaker, thank you for the explanation. That article is mine. I was sure the article sounded bad.
My previous piece was about seashells. And you gave me a good suggestion too.

Fast Lane Web Design - "One look is worth a thousand words"
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2011 9:18:55 AM

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Well Silenced - in that case, I will take a bit more time to be specific, so you will know the points which are incorrect, and the ones I like.

My first message was a quick note, when I was on my way to work.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
genegrin
Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2011 10:59:33 AM

Rank: Member

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Location: Mariupol, Donets'ka Oblast', Ukraine
Drag0nspeaker wrote:
Well Silenced - in that case, I will take a bit more time to be specific, so you will know the points which are incorrect, and the ones I like.

My first message was a quick note, when I was on my way to work.

Many thanks. If you're interested in Russian language, i'll be glad to help you too.

Fast Lane Web Design - "One look is worth a thousand words"
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2011 2:49:23 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
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Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
genegrin wrote:
[i]If you're interested in Russian language, i'll be glad to help you too.[/i]

Oooh! - Thank you for the offer! -I studied French, Latin and Esperanto, but when it came to Russian, I 'blew' (left hurriedly without authorisation) after just learning the alphabet. As this is an English language forum, I will send you a 'Personal Message'.

Now I am about to start reading your article properly - I'll write more in a few hours, probably tomorrow.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2011 4:38:13 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 32,592
Neurons: 199,873
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Here we go:

Overall impression
I like the informal "friendly chat and advice" style you use, particularly because you say in your first few lines that this is not a "Buy this sailboat from me" type of article.
I aslo like the fact that you go to the real basics - your first three questions.

Style
You are mixing some more formal sentences into your informal advice. It is unavoidable when giving technical advice, as you are. In my opinion, it would be best to use 'You are' 'It is' and 'I will' in these technical sections, and only use 'You'll' and 'I'll' in your friendly "comments" and introductory-type sentences. NOTE - this is a matter of taste, not correctness.

Grammar and usage

"And it’s all about why all of those articles is so different."
I am not sure what you are saying here, but:
1. It is best not to start a sentence with 'And'. You should omit the 'and' or use a comma before it.
2. 'Those articles' = plural, but 'is' = singular.
3. If you are speaking about several things being different from each other, a better word would be 'varied'. I am led to ask "Do you mean different from each other, or different from this article?".
I think you are saying "... , and that is why those articles are so varied."

"What is the way will you use one?"
This is not incorrect, but:
1. 'What is the way' translates as 'How' more simply, and
2. Since the person will be using his boat continuously (or repeatedly), not just once, it is better to use a continuous verb-form:
"How will you be using your craft?"

"Where and on what water will the craft be exploited?"
The word 'exploit' means 'use' basically, however it has an implication of some sort of wrong use (the dictionary says 'selfish, unethical, unjust').
'Used' would be better. Again, it is a matter of taste.

"Daysail boat – A similiar craft designed for comfortable daily trips... "
This does not give a comparison - "Similar to what?". There is no earlier description you are referring to.

"Of course, racers divide into."
This is not a sentence. As you put a chart or list after it, a colon at the end would fit.
"Of course, racers divide into: ..."

"Actuality, it’s impossible to discuss all these points in the details in one article. However, below, my brief review will give you a good conception about that topic."
Actuality is a noun - this should be the adverb 'actually'.
Also you almost use a couple of common phrases and this distracts from the text.
You would be better to say "...points in detail in..." and "...a good concept of ...".

"Starting our review from an easier rig to more difficult ones."
As above, this should end with a colon, not a full stop.

"And particularly, if your mostly your passages are going to windward."
The 'and' is not needed, and 'your mostly your' does not 'add up'. I think it would be:
"Particularly if most of your passages ..."

"As for a type of keel."
Again this is not a sentence, so should end with a colon, then have the list (of two items).

"But there’s a number of measurements and ..."
It is not normal to start a sentence with 'But', 'However' is better.
The other point is an 'oddity' of English. "A number of" is considered to be an adjective phrase - meaning 'many'. So your verb 'number' has to agree with the plural noun 'measurements' so:
"However, there are a number of measurements and ..."

I enjoyed reading the article fully - the subject definitely needs several more to give a full 'coverage'.
There were some punctuation errors, but not many.
The other errors mostly look like errors in translating a Russian phrase into an English phrase, which will be handled as you use the language more and more.

Have fun!
Dancing


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
genegrin
Posted: Tuesday, November 1, 2011 7:32:12 PM

Rank: Member

Joined: 8/17/2010
Posts: 31
Neurons: 116
Location: Mariupol, Donets'ka Oblast', Ukraine
Oh, thank you very much for the help. I followed those points and corrected them. Sure, I won't make the same mistakes in my next articles.
Also, thans for your very positive feedback.

Fast Lane Web Design - "One look is worth a thousand words"
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