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An adventurous expedition... Options
Amybal
Posted: Thursday, September 5, 2019 5:18:39 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 734
Neurons: 3,890
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
An adventurous expedition turns into a nightmare when Professor Daud and his team are being hunted down by a mysterious creature called Kron.

Long summary
Despite being banned by his superiors from carrying out a mission to trace back the journey made by the King of Siam for fear of their safety, Professor Daud and his assistant Sham are still determined to carry it out. They get the chance to do so when an entrepreneur offers to pay for the expedition, while paranormal TV producer offers to film it without cost. An adventurous expedition turns into a nightmare when Prof Daud and his team are being hunted down by a mysterious creature called Kron.
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, September 5, 2019 11:44:37 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 11,681
Neurons: 58,539
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
I would make a few changes. I find the wording of the short summary awkward. The tenses tend to indicate that it is when they are being hunted that the adventure turns into a nightmare. It's as if the hunt begins first. I think it would be better to say that "they discover, or realize" they are being hunted so the idea of the adventure begins first and the hunt second.

Short summary
An adventurous expedition turns into a nightmare when Professor Daud and his team discover/realize they are being hunted down by a mysterious creature called Kron.

I would reword this first sentence.
Long summary
Despite being banned by his superiors from carrying out a dangerous mission, Professor Daud and his assistant, Sham, are determined to trace the journey made by the King of Siamcarry. They get the chance to do so when an entrepreneur offers to pay for the expedition, while a paranormal TV producer offers to film it without cost. An adventurous expedition turns into a nightmare when Prof Daud and his team discover/realize they are being hunted down by a mysterious creature called Kron.


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, September 11, 2019 5:33:44 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 734
Neurons: 3,890
Thank you FounDit.
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