The Free Dictionary  
mailing list For webmasters
Welcome Guest Forum Search | Active Topics | Members

Essay number 10 Options
Atatürk
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 8:56:57 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,381
Neurons: 5,395
Location: İstanbul, Istanbul, Turkey
I'd appreciate it if you could point out some of the mistakes I made.

N.B. It's not homework.

Bungee jumping is an extreme sport in which some people attach one side of an elastic cord to themselves via a harness and the other side to a platform of high altitude, like a bridge. It is indeed extreme as it appears to be a sort of suicide attempt at first glance.

Humans have long been interested in sports and athletic activities. The Olympic Games actually date back to Ancient Greece in 776 B.C. That means we are intrinsically into sports and being challenged. Health improvement seems to be just one benefit of sports. They in fact provide entertainment, job opportunities, and a fertile ground for the prosperity of those who are highly talented at sports.

But over the past two or three decades, a new set of sports have gained currency: extreme sports. They have actually been developed to push the participants to extreme and dangerous levels. But why are some people attracted to such dangerous activities? Mark Musgrave, an extreme windsurfer says that it’s not a question of the activity per se; it’s a question of attitude. “Such sports don’t attract the masses,” he explains “and that in itself appeals to the minority who take up these sports.” According to Musgrave, in extreme sports you not confined by any rule; there is not right or wrong, and you’re never crowded by people.

Most extreme sports seem to have been built upon ordinary sports. For example, a biker can go extreme if he rushes down a steep rocky mountain path piloting his bike. Some of them have also been developed from scratch, like sky surfing.

Some people are, however, against such sports and argue they are too dangerous and believe extreme-sport people should be protected against themselves. On the other hand, the proponents of these sports propose that resorting to such different activities is a way out of today’s globalized, homogenized world where people find very few opportunities to escape the sameness that has brought about a monotonous life.



Ite, maledicti, in ignem aeternum!
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 9:09:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 32,945
Neurons: 204,246
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
I know thar's also looking at this.
I read through the entire essay without any "hesitations" or difficulty.
I'll look now in more detail, but so far it is very good.
Applause Applause

****************
It would seem more natural to me to say "one end of an elastic cord" rather than "one side of . . ."

***************
there is not right or wrong, and you’re never crowded by people.
I would say "there is no right or wrong,. . .."

************
That's all I see - just a couple of choices of word. I don't spot any grammar problems.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
thar
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 9:18:56 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 20,077
Neurons: 81,104
I will just highlight things that don't sound right. Blue for 'sounds unnatural' red for 'wrong' (including punctuation).
I will try my best not to correct because that is your learning process.

Atatürk wrote:
I'd appreciate it if you could point out some of the mistakes I made.



N.B. It's not homework.

Bungee jumping is an extreme sport in which some people attach (edit) one side of an elastic cord to themselves via a harness and the other side to a platform of high altitude, like a bridge. It is indeed extreme as it appears to be a sort of suicide attempt at first glance.

Humans have long been interested in sports and athletic activities. The Olympic Games actually date back to Ancient Greece in 776 B.C. That means we are intrinsically into sports and being challenged. Health improvement seems to be just one benefit of sports. They in fact provide entertainment, job opportunities, and a fertile ground for the prosperity of those who are highly talented at sports.

But over the past two or three decades, a new set of sports have gained currency: extreme sports. They have actually been developed to push the participants to extreme and dangerous levels. But why are some people attracted to such dangerous activities? Mark Musgrave, an extreme windsurfer says that it’s not a question of the activity per se; it’s a question of attitude. “Such sports don’t attract the masses,” he explains “and that in itself appeals to the minority who take up these sports.” According to Musgrave, in extreme sports you not confined by any rule; there is not right or wrong, and you’re never crowded by people.

Most extreme sports seem to have been built upon ordinary sports. For example, a biker can go extreme if he rushes down a steep rocky mountain path piloting his bike. Some of them have also been developed from scratch, like sky surfing.

Some people are, however, against such sports and argue they are too dangerous and believe extreme-sport people should be protected against themselves. On the other hand, the proponents of these sports propose that resorting to such different activities is a way out of today’s globalized, homogenized world where people find very few opportunities to escape the sameness that has brought about a monotonous life.


notes
BC is not "wrong", but BCE is now standard. (Before Common Era, because dating everything from Before Christ is not considered inclusive now). And CE instead of AD, because that is also Christian - Anno Domini.
This is not a big deal, but you might as well write it in the modern way, rather than appear old-fashioned, and possibly incorrect in some contexts.

into sports and being challenged. Nothing wrong with the two parts (although 'into' is very informal. ) But they don't match (noun and gerund), so it feels wrong to link them with the simplest conjunction. It feels like they need to be separated a little more - they are not similar constructions.

The sports have been developed to push the participants - it sounds like they don't have a choice. The people involved developed these sports themselves. Not some unknown external force.

Watch the 'he' to refer to human beings. That is not generally acceptable nowadays, because there is a perfectly good alternative. Yes - women ride bikes!

them - watch your precedents.

watch your conjunctions. The reader shouldn't have to stop and work back to see what the 'and' joins together. If it is more complicated than x and y, you need to use punctuation.

style - watch out for long sentences with lists of adjectives. Punctuate or add different constructions (participles etc) or it just goes on without a break. (Read it out loud - if you run out of breath before the next comma or full stop, your sentence is too long!)

As you can see some of these are style points (which is why I explained them). The bits I highlighted are choice of vocabulary or the way it is put together. But overall it is very readable and the vocabulary is appropriate.


Atatürk
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 9:24:42 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,381
Neurons: 5,395
Location: İstanbul, Istanbul, Turkey
Thanks a million Dragon.

Here's the revised edition based on your comments:

Bungee jumping is a sport in which some people attach one end of an elastic cord to themselves via a harness and the other side to a platform of high altitude, like a bridge. It is indeed extreme as it appears to be a sort of suicide attempt at first glance.

Humans have long been interested in sports and athletic activities. The Olympic Games actually date back to Ancient Greece in 776 B.C. That means we are intrinsically into sports and being challenged. Health improvement seems to be just one benefit of sports. They in fact provide entertainment, job opportunities, and a fertile ground for the prosperity of those who are highly talented at sports.

But over the past two or three decades, a new set of sports have gained currency: extreme sports. They have actually been developed to push the participants to extreme and dangerous levels. But why are some people attracted to such dangerous activities? Mark Musgrave, an extreme windsurfer says that it’s not a question of the activity per se; it’s a question of attitude. “Such sports don’t attract the masses,” he explains “and that in itself appeals to the minority who take up these sports.” According to Musgrave, in extreme sports you are not confined by any rule; there is no right or wrong, and you’re never crowded by people.

Most extreme sports seem to have been built upon ordinary sports. For example, a biker can go extreme if he rushes down a steep rocky mountain path piloting his bike. Some of them have also been developed from scratch, like sky surfing.

Some people are, however, against such sports and argue they are too dangerous and believe extreme-sport people should be protected against themselves. On the other hand, the proponents of these sports propose that resorting to such different activities is a way out of today’s globalized, homogenized world where people find very few opportunities to escape the sameness that has brought about a monotonous life.

Ite, maledicti, in ignem aeternum!
Atatürk
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 9:26:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,381
Neurons: 5,395
Location: İstanbul, Istanbul, Turkey
Thank you so much thar; I've just seen your reply. I'll apply the points you mentioned and will post the revised essay.

Ite, maledicti, in ignem aeternum!
Atatürk
Posted: Tuesday, August 13, 2019 12:07:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,381
Neurons: 5,395
Location: İstanbul, Istanbul, Turkey
Thar, if you agree, I will do one paragraph at a time?
I'll highlight the rephrased areas in red.
Thank you again for your precious help.

First paragraph:


Bungee jumping is an extreme sport in which some daredevils attach one end of an elastic cord to themselves via a harness and the other side to a high platform, like a bridge. It is indeed extreme as it appears to be a sort of suicide attempt at first glance.


If it's okay, please let me know and I will go to the next paragraph.


Ite, maledicti, in ignem aeternum!
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 3:30:52 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 32,945
Neurons: 204,246
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Ha! Thar was a lot more thorough than I was.

I read it as a "native speaker" and found it clear and understandable - especially after you changed that couple of points.

However, I do understand his points. If an English student read the passage, it would be difficult - particularly due to his point "watch your precedents".
(If you really analyse the last paragraph literally - as some learners do - without simply reading it and understanding immediately, it could look as if you are saying that people who are against these sports are dangerous.)

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Users browsing this topic
Guest


Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.

Main Forum RSS : RSS
Forum Terms and Guidelines | Privacy policy | Copyright © 2008-2019 Farlex, Inc. All rights reserved.