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Atatürk
Posted: Monday, August 12, 2019 4:07:53 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,631
Neurons: 6,705
Location: İstanbul, Istanbul, Turkey
Hi,

Would you please help me correct some of the mistakes in the following paragraph?

Since personal freedom is an extremely important human right, many people think that they should be responsible for their own choices regarding the food and drinks they decide to have, and it would be indecent for governments to interfere with people’s personal choices directly, leading to public discontent. Alternatively, a better approach would be to launch awareness-raising campaigns about a healthy diet so that people would be able to make better-informed dietary decisions themselves.
FounDit
Posted: Monday, August 12, 2019 11:08:34 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 12,267
Neurons: 60,793
Atatürk wrote:
Hi,

Would you please help me correct some of the mistakes in the following paragraph?

Your first sentence is very long. In fact, I'm not sure it can be read aloud in one breath. In my opinion, it should be broken up into two or more sentences. I suggest something like:

Personal freedom is seen as an extremely important human right. Therefore, many people think that only they should decide what food and drink they consume, and that it is wrong for governments to interfere with their personal choices. Doing so leads to public discontent.

Since personal freedom is an extremely important human right, many people think that they should be responsible for their own choices regarding the food and drinks they decide to have, and it would be indecent for governments to interfere with people’s personal choices directly, leading to public discontent. Alternatively, a better approach would be to launch awareness-raising campaigns about a healthy diet so that people would be able to make better-informed dietary decisions themselves.
Atatürk
Posted: Monday, August 12, 2019 2:02:36 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 1,631
Neurons: 6,705
Location: İstanbul, Istanbul, Turkey
Thank you very much.
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