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jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, August 1, 2018 2:02:54 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
So she put on a mask to look scary
But was still insufficiently hairy
So she put on a wig
And went to the gig
Looking likeJulian Clary.


(Edit- With acknowledgements and apologies to Audiendus)

I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, August 3, 2018 8:47:56 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
jacobusmaximus wrote:
So she put on a mask to look scary
But was still insufficiently hairy
So she put on a wig
And went to the gig
Looking likeJulian Clary.

Yet no-one expressed real surprise
At such an audacious disguise,
For they all had a fancy
For camp necromancy,
And hailed her with loud eldritch cries.
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, August 11, 2018 6:22:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,710
Neurons: 49,922
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
There was a young fellow called Doug
Who was always afraid of a rug
When they asked him why
His frequent reply -
There may be some bugs that are snug.


"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons." Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, August 11, 2018 10:16:32 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a young fellow from Guinea
Who drove a decrepit old Mini.
Though rough strips of leather
Just held it together,
It sounded alarmingly tinny.

When questioned by worried MPs
About a contagious disease,
The minister said:
"We think it is spread
Like this" - and he gave a loud sneeze.

A waiter dropped two heavy platters,
Which left someone's ballgown in tatters.
"You've ruined my dress!"
Cried the shocked baroness.
Said the waiter: "I don't think it matters".
BobShilling
Posted: Sunday, August 12, 2018 4:46:34 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/1/2018
Posts: 953
Neurons: 5,611
Location: Beroun, Stredocesky, Czech Republic
Audiendus wrote:

A waiter dropped two heavy platters,
Which left someone's ballgown in tatters.
"You've ruined my dress!"
Cried the shocked baroness.
Said the waiter: "I don't think it matters".


The waiter who ruined a ballgown,
By letting two heavy plates fall down,
With no hint of remorse,
For behaviour so coarse,
Made guests at the table there all frown.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Monday, August 13, 2018 5:27:02 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Waiters-in-training must wait
On tables marked seven and eight
For these are frequented
By the mean old demented
From the ranks of the Good and the Great.

I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, August 22, 2018 9:20:34 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There once was a proud Spanish knight,
Enraged by some trivial slight.
He said with a roar:
"You mock me, señor!
My honour demands that we fight!"

"Religion", said Stalin, "is out!
What should we be singing about?
Production of tractors
And modern reactors.
We need more industrial clout!"

There was a plain-speaking physician
Who frequently made this admission:
"I haven't a clue!
What more can I do?
Do you think I'm a bloody magician?"

Field Marshal Radetzky was bold;
He was well over eighty years old
When he rallied large groups
Of Austrian troops
And knocked the Italians out cold.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Thursday, August 23, 2018 3:49:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
The Italians, of course, they denied that,
And claimed they put up a great fight,
The Austrian dogs had great numbers
But Italy fought for the Right.

Alas, the Austrian menace
With old man Radetzky at large,,
Subdued the young men of Venice
So leaving Vienna in charge.

I remember, therefore I am.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, October 19, 2018 3:10:15 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom

We were so busy eating cake
We didn’t see the fiddlers.
MP’s and Cabinet Ministers alike
Were nothing more than diddlers.

When suddenly the cake ran done
A pound of flesh, we sought it.
A mole was there to tell the tale,
The Telegraph, they bought it.

Hands in tills,
Snouts in troughs,
It all was brought to light
The Cons, the Labs, the Lib Dems too
Were far from shiny white.


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, October 25, 2018 8:50:06 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a young duchess called Alice,
Who drank from a solid gold chalice.
She said: "'Twould be novel
To live in a hovel,
But not quite as nice as my palace".

A boy had a fight with his brother;
It was over some girlfriend or other.
They started with kicks,
Then threw a few bricks,
Until they were floored by their mother.

There once was a guy called Frank Pick,
Who made London Transport more slick;
His smart innovations
At Underground stations
Made Tube travel ever so quick.

A TV producer said "Look,
I know you're a wonderful cook,
But when you're on screen
Don't talk like the Queen,
And stop glancing down at your book".
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, October 25, 2018 10:39:12 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,710
Neurons: 49,922
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
The buds on my violet are fugacious
Although they are not pugnacious
They drop on the table
As often as able
Overwatered again - goodness gracious!


"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons." Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, October 25, 2018 11:20:48 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,710
Neurons: 49,922
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
There is somewhere a big snollygoster
And mischief he sure likes to foster
His cousin says run
Away from the fun
As you don't want to be on his roster.


"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons." Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, October 28, 2018 10:06:44 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
An astronaut who was called Jack,
With his spacesuit and oxygen pack,
Set out for the stars,
But when he reached Mars
He quickly got bored and came back.

If you want to succeed as a jockey,
You need to be light and not stocky.
Your horse will be slowed
If it bears excess load,
So it might make more sense to try hockey.

One prince in the late Middle Ages
Was subject to terrible rages.
He said to the Pope:
"You're a pompous old dope!"
And locked errant servants in cages.

Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2018 11:59:52 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Some artists have found it effective
To paint with distorted perspective.
The old-fashioned teacher
Abhors such a feature,
Condemning such art with invective.

When nationalism is rife,
It can pose quite a danger to life.
It opens the door
To hatred and war
By bomb, cannon, club, sword or knife.

The French often change their regimes
By brute revolution, it seems.
In Britain, the norm
Is quiet reform,
Not reckless Utopian schemes.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 5:39:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Yet regime change can come from without,
Like 1066 was a rout
Less so for the Dutch
Who helped very much
To show James and his lot the Way Out.

I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, December 8, 2018 9:51:21 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
jacobusmaximus wrote:
Less so for the Dutch
Who helped very much
To show James and his lot the Way Out.


The Protestants dubbed the coup 'glorious',
But dissident scribes were censorious.
We would, with good reason,
Call such a plot 'treason'
Had William not turned out victorious.
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, December 19, 2018 9:06:05 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Some people reject evolution
And favour the Bible's solution.
They'll never be swayed,
For they're deeply afraid
That God would exact retribution.

There was a young workman from Spain
Who hoisted some bricks with a crane,
But the rope was unsound
And they fell to the ground.
The foreman yelled: "No, not again!"

I used to be keen to do good,
As Jesus said everyone should.
I've now given in
To temptation and sin,
But God will forgive me - touch wood.

"The Prince", Cinderella said brightly,
"Is rumoured to fancy me slightly".
An indiscreet servant
Said "Yes, he's observant,
And finds both your sisters unsightly".
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Thursday, December 20, 2018 7:17:41 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Audiendus said -

I used to be keen to do good,
As Jesus said everyone should.
I've now given in
To temptation and sin,
But God will forgive me - touch wood.
..............................

If temptation and sin is your way
And Jesus – whatever he’d say
Is not number one
In your list of fun
Just remember He touched the wood first.


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Monday, December 31, 2018 11:01:28 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Victorian preachers would say:
"God wants you to work, not to play;
And when your work's done,
Seek not to have fun,
But get out your bibles and pray".

A man that I met on a train
Said: "Life is all sadness and pain".
By the time that we parted,
I felt so downhearted
I wanted to jump from a plane.

As they gazed at the twilit Atlantic,
A man told his girlfriend: "I'm frantic
To catch a few fish".
She answered: "I wish
You'd talk about things more romantic".

A convent may give the impression
That nuns are the Church's possession,
But back in the day
When a husband held sway,
It spared them domestic oppression.
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, January 12, 2019 7:56:25 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A young English tourist called Sally
Attended a Nuremberg rally.
When the multitude cheered,
She found the place weird
Compared to her native Thames Valley.

There was a young man from Malaya
Who worked on a coal-mine conveyor.
When he switched on the belt
And it started to melt,
He cried: "Oh my God, where's the sprayer?"

The most elementary key
In piano tuition is C.
If you struggle with that
(Or F, with B flat),
You'll get no more lessons from me.

There once was a miserly lord
Who drove a plain Model T Ford.
He explained that his choice
Was not a Rolls-Royce,
As he found showing-off untoward.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Friday, January 25, 2019 12:35:52 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
One day in the city of Ur
A deaf fellow heard a cat purr
‘Now isn’t that strange
For I’m well out of range
I’m hearing again so ah murr’.

That’s how they say it in Glasgow
They just cannot speak otherwise
Good English is not
For the Glaswegian Scot
Who would rather poke out his own eyes.

So let us just cut to the chase
Glasgow is not the best place
To hear the word spoken
Except as a token
Of tongue-in-cheek patter and grace.

So this is not a true Lim’rick
And everyone knows that’s the case
The rhythm’s not right
The words suffer blight
And it’s spoken at too fast a pace.



I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, January 27, 2019 12:37:25 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was an old codger in Kent
Who sprayed all his carpets with scent.
They called him insane.
"Ah well", he'd explain,
"I am, to a certain extent".

These days, we think owners of slaves
On cotton plantations were knaves.
The churches, I fear,
Were loath to make clear
That's not how a Christian behaves.

Opponents of Russian dictators
Were sent to the Arctic as traitors.
The cold made them numb,
And they'd quickly succumb
Unless they were very good skaters.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Monday, January 28, 2019 2:54:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 12,208
Neurons: 511,753
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Audiendus wrote:

These days, we think owners of slaves
On cotton plantations were knaves.
The churches, I fear,
Were loath to make clear
That's not how a Christian behaves.


Your fears are groundless good fellow
for Churches both sides of the Pond,
Some Black and some White
Put up a good fight
to change laws to something more mellow.

Men such as Wilberforce (Bill),
And Turner (Henry McNeil)
Evangelicals all
Stood proud and stood tall
for freedom for all in God's Will.


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2019 8:15:45 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
jacobusmaximus wrote:
Your fears are groundless good fellow
for Churches both sides of the Pond,
Some Black and some White
Put up a good fight
to change laws to something more mellow.

Men such as Wilberforce (Bill),
And Turner (Henry McNeil)
Evangelicals all
Stood proud and stood tall
for freedom for all in God's Will.


While many deserve recognition
For adopting a moral position,
High prelates and popes
Should have boosted slaves' hopes
By calling for swift manumission.

The Church long ignored human rights,
Preferring political fights.
Crusades and witch-burning
Eclipsed moral learning,
With priests overridden by knights.
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, March 22, 2019 10:34:31 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a young man from Mauritius
Whose dog looked alarmingly vicious.
He'd often exclaim
That the creature was tame,
But still everyone seemed suspicious.

There was an old fellow from Cork
Who liked to sip Guinness and talk.
He'd sit in a glade
Where leprechauns played,
And feed them with nuts on a fork.

There once was a powerful king
Who liked to play music and sing.
His courtiers cheered,
Because they all feared
That if they displeased him, they'd swing.
Hope123
Posted: Monday, April 15, 2019 12:10:19 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,710
Neurons: 49,922
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
From "Wordsmith" I like this one.

On finding young Goldilocks there,
with annoyance declares Baby Bear,
“Go sleep in your OWN bed,
you trespassing bonehead!
I saw what you did to my chair!”

-Anne Thomas, Arizona


"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons." Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
Audiendus
Posted: Monday, April 29, 2019 10:07:03 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There once was an old Spanish galleon
Whose crew were all French or Italian.
The captain, called Jacques,
Would signal "Attack!"
By flinging a rusty medallion.

While Paris saw rapid advance,
Old ways prevailed elsewhere in France.
The capital's dramas
Bemused remote farmers
Who took a conservative stance.

The waiter asked: "Will you have cheese?"
I nodded and answered: "Yes please".
He said with a cough:
"Well you can't – it's gone off.
The kitchen's infested with fleas".

Liszt's music, as then was the fashion,
Exuded Romantic-style passion.
His chords were expressive;
Some called them excessive,
But art is a thing you can't ration.
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, May 15, 2019 8:57:16 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 5,694
Neurons: 1,066,303
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
In Libya, no-one complains
If the sky fills with cloud and it rains.
A vigorous storm
Contrasts with the norm
Of sun over hot desert plains.

There was a young boy on a farm
Who thought: "It will do little harm
If I run up and pull
The tail of that bull".
Alas, he lost half his right arm.

When Jesus was just a small lad,
Some said: "He looks just like his dad!"
Said Mary: "That's odd,
'Cause his father is God!"
They probably thought she'd gone mad.

When many large stores were first founded,
Plain wood and glass panels abounded.
But now they've had drastic
Refitting with plastic,
Our forebears would be quite astounded.
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