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When a young girl... Options
Amybal
Posted: Sunday, February 10, 2019 2:54:38 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 529
Neurons: 2,845
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
When a young girl Felina is possessed by a spirit shortly after returning from a jungle expedition with her friends, she soon seeks help from one of his friend Adam to save her.

Long summary
Felina and her two friends, Adam and Mutalib, embark on an expedition deep into the jungle. Shortly after returning from the expedition, she becomes possessed by a spirit, prompting Adam to turn to Tok Rawa for help. They discover that a powerful evil being is plotting something terrifying and Felina's possession becomes worse with the threat of a much bigger evil force looming ahead.
FounDit
Posted: Sunday, February 10, 2019 1:16:15 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 10,340
Neurons: 53,530
Amybal wrote:
Hi, is there anything wrong in these sentences?
Not bad at all. I would add just a bit of punctuation, and change one area of wording.

Short summary
When a young girl, Felina, is possessed by a spirit shortly after returning from a jungle expedition with her friends, she soon seeks help from her friend Adam to save her.

Long summary
Felina and her two friends, Adam and Mutalib, embark on an expedition deep into the jungle. Shortly after returning from the expedition, she becomes possessed by a spirit, prompting Adam to turn to Tok Rawa for help. They discover that a powerful evil being is plotting something terrifying, and Felina's possession becomes worse, with the threat of a much bigger evil force looming ahead.


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
thar
Posted: Sunday, February 10, 2019 2:28:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 18,662
Neurons: 75,625
Also, if she is possessed by the spirit after coming back that is like catching malaria when you get home to Scotland!
I assume the spirit came from the jungle - it seems more likely she was possessed there - they just notice it when they come home.
Amybal
Posted: Monday, February 11, 2019 10:22:26 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 529
Neurons: 2,845
Thank you FounDit & thar.

I assume the spirit came from the jungle - it seems more likely she was possessed there - they just notice it when they come home.
Should be :-)
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