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In the city of Beta, which was 200 kilometers Options
Nikitus
Posted: Tuesday, January 29, 2019 9:19:45 PM

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Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your help and I wish you all the best for in 2019!


Are the following sentences grammatically correct?

"In the city of Beta, which was 200 kilometers from Alpha, was the Paul Harris school. Inside a classroom on the second floor whose window overlooked the courtyard, the students listened attentively to their teacher, Rebecca, whom wore a black t-shirt and blue jeans. She was teaching art class."


Thanks.
Azeke Kazakhstan
Posted: Tuesday, January 29, 2019 10:37:28 PM

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Location: Astana, Astana Qalasy, Kazakhstan
Hey, Nikitus.
It's just my view from my English experience.
I'd like to notice that it's a quite nice and complex paragraph.
I have only one remark: "who" instead of "whom".

"In the city of Beta, which was 200 kilometers from Alpha, was the Paul Harris school. Inside a classroom on the second floor whose window overlooked the courtyard, the students listened attentively to their teacher, Rebecca, WHO wore a black t-shirt and blue jeans. She was teaching art class."
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2019 1:22:49 AM

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Hi Azeke Kazakhstan!
Welcome to the forum. I don't think we have anyone from Kazakhstan here. It will be good to have a new viewpoint.

I agree.

Though Rebecca is an object in the clause "the students listened attentively to their teacher, Rebecca", "who" is the subject of the clause "WHO wore a black t-shirt and blue jeans".

Hi Nikitus.
The only comment I would make is that it is not "normal conversational" English. The clauses and phrases would be rearranged somewhat.
However, it IS a story, and the literary style sounds good.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Romany
Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2019 5:50:03 AM
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I like the way it's written Nikitus - the opening is great: - "In a the city of Beta, which was 200 kilometeres from Alpha..." because it sound like the classic begining to a story: "In a tall castle, in the Kingdom of Ur, lived a beautiful princess...."

I'd only have one comment: unless what she's wearing comes up later and is important to the story I would not include it.

There are two reasons for this: - a) women don't like to be defined by what they are wearing. Very rarely, if the subject is male, does his clothing play any part in describing him - so women don't see why what THEY wear is relevent.
b) It adds nothing to the story, it does nothing to describe the teacher, it doesn't move the story on.

As I said, this is supposing that the fact that she's wearing a t-short & jeans doesn't play an important part of the story....millions and millions of people consistantly wear t.shirts and jeans every day - it tells us nothing about Rebecca.
Parpar1836
Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2019 1:29:10 PM
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Location: Rochester, New York, United States
Excellent point (as usual), Romany.

A suggestion:

In the city of Beta, which was 200 kilometers from Alpha, was the Paul Harris School. Inside a classroom on the second floor whose window overlooked the courtyard, the students listened attentively to their teacher, Rebecca, who was showing the children how to make linoleum cuts. She was an enthusiastic young alumna of the College of the Arts, and loved her work and the students. And the students flourished under her tutelage. Whether or not they considered themselves artistically talented, they had fun exploring the various media, and Rebecca found something positive to say about each student, even the lazier, more lackadaisical ones, while encouraging them to go just a bit further than they thought they could go, and challenge themselves. Their work adorned the walls of the classroom, a blaze of colorful designs, portraits, and patterns. The art room was by far the most colorful room in the entire school.

Most of the other teachers dressed formally, in suits or dresses, and looked staid and dependable. And a bit dull. Rebecca, however, came to school in blue jeans and T-shirts. Today she wore a black one with a rainbow-and-cloud motif on the front. She looked creative, comfortable, with a nimble, can-do quality.
Romany
Posted: Wednesday, January 30, 2019 4:09:50 PM
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Joined: 6/14/2009
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Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom
Nikitus,

Well, that certainly does describe Rebecca all right!Applause

Obviously Parpar's way of writing and yours is very different, but she didn't - I would imagine - mean hers as a template for you to follow.

She was demonstrating how thoroughly we can describe a person without reference either to gender or clothes. Then, when the subject of clothes IS brought up, how they are mentioned as an extension of her personality: Rebecca expressed herself through her clothes. Thus there is a reason for mentioning them. They are not, as in the original, a kind of non sequitor.

Please don't get the idea you are getting hammered for mentioning that the teacher was wearing jeans and a t-shirtThink and you may not use this information for *yonks. But, writers just like helping other writers: especially those who are writing in a language that isn't their native language. And we've all had help along the way that sometimes only our unconsious knows about!

* Just realised you might not have come across 'yonks' yet? It just means "a long time" and can mean a long time into the future or a long time into the past. It's Australian usage mostly now, I think: but most people know what it means.
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