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A retired CIA... Options
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2018 11:47:32 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 439
Neurons: 2,383
Hi, there is anything wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A retired CIA spy works as a security guard and moonlights as a vigilante. When his long-time friend Melissa Leo Susan Plummer is murdered, he embarks on a relentless, globe-trotting quest for vengeance.

Long summary
Robert McCall, the retired Central Intelligence Agency spy turned vigilante who makes it his business to right the wrongs done to the exploited and oppressed. Now working day-to-day as a taxi driver, McCall springs into action, seeking justice and vengeance, when a friend of his is murdered.

Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2018 12:56:05 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 30,685
Neurons: 182,345
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
There are a couple of missing main verbs, I think - but mainly, they don't agree.
If they are about the same story, one of them seems wrong . . .

In the first one, the only thing is that I've never heard anyone called by four names.
It would maybe be "When his long-time friend Melissa Plummer is murdered . . ." - but more likely "When his long-time friend Melissa is murdered . . .".

Robert McCall, the retired Central Intelligence Agency spy turned vigilante who makes it his business to right the wrongs done to the exploited and oppressed
This is a noun-phrase. There is no main clause. You could just omit the word "who", which would handle it.

The main thing I notice is that one says he's a security guard and the other says he's a taxi-driver.

Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, December 4, 2018 11:10:20 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 439
Neurons: 2,383
In the first one, the only thing is that I've never heard anyone called by four names.

OMGSilenced This is absolutely true. My bad.

Ok, let's try this:

Short summary
Robert McCall, who serves an unflinching justice for the exploited and oppressed, embarks on a relentless, globe-trotting quest for vengeance when a long-time girl friend Susan Plummer is murdered.

Long summary
Robert McCall, the retired Central Intelligence Agency spy turned vigilante makes it his business to right the wrongs done to the exploited and oppressed. When his long-time friend Susan Plummer is murdered, he embarks on a relentless, globe-trotting quest for vengeance.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 1:34:43 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 30,685
Neurons: 182,345
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
That all makes sense now - the grammar is good too.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, December 5, 2018 1:50:46 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 439
Neurons: 2,383
Thank you Drag0nspeaker.
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