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His face changed when he didn't find his favorite shoes Options
Nikitus
Posted: Thursday, November 8, 2018 11:26:56 PM

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Joined: 9/17/2013
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Location: Viña del Mar, Valparaiso, Chile
Hello.

First of all, thanks for all your time and help.

I want to ask about the following sentences.

"His face changed when he didn't find his favorite shoes, begining a desperate search for his entire room, between his shoes, clothes, under the bed which greatly increased his anxiety."

Thanks.
ozok
Posted: Friday, November 9, 2018 2:37:35 AM
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Joined: 7/24/2018
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Neurons: 758


A suggestion:

"His facial expression changed when he couldn't find his favorite shoes, beginning a desperate search of his entire room, amongst his shoes and clothes, and under the bed, all greatly increasing his anxiety."




just sayin'
Romany
Posted: Friday, November 9, 2018 5:18:54 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
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Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom

Usual complaint: - the sentence is too long and 'crowded' i.e. too much in it.
("His facial expression changed..." is usually more simply (if less logically) expressed as "His face changed..")


But - it wasn't his "facial expression" which "began a desperate search.....".

So, there should be a full stop after "shoes" because that's one complete statement. The rest of the words describe his "search", and are not about his facial expresseion, thus they don't belong in the same sentence.

"He began a desperate search of his room." Presumably his shoes, clothes and bed are all in that same room - so detailing them (but not his cupboards, drawers, etc.) serves little purpose - any reasonable reader would expect those to be included already by "...his room". We don't need to know WHAT "search his room means" - what would help would be to know HOW he searched his room. e.g.

"He began to search his room, scrabbling/rootling/pawing desperately amongst his shoes and clothes; peering under the bed; while all the time his anxiety increased."

There are many different ways to express the above but what I'm trying to do is to illustrate WHY we would change it at all.

NKM
Posted: Friday, November 9, 2018 1:52:17 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

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Location: Corinth, New York, United States
All good advice, above.

In particular, note that (as ozok points out), it would be a search of (not for) his room. (He already knows where the room is.)

Dynamina
Posted: Saturday, November 10, 2018 4:43:20 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/31/2015
Posts: 124
Neurons: 2,645
Romany wrote:

Usual complaint: - the sentence is too long...

The OP wrote:
His face changed when he didn't find his favorite shoes, begining a desperate search for his entire room, between his shoes, clothes, under the bed which greatly increased his anxiety. 30 words.

OZOK wrote:
His facial expression changed when he couldn't find his favorite shoes, beginning a desperate search of his entire room, amongst his shoes and clothes, and under the bed, all greatly increasing his anxiety. 33 words.

Romany wrote:
Presumably his shoes, clothes and bed are all in that same room - so detailing them (but not his cupboards, drawers, etc.) serves little purpose - any reasonable reader would expect those to be included already by "...his room". 36 words.
thar
Posted: Saturday, November 10, 2018 4:57:21 AM

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Joined: 7/8/2010
Posts: 17,995
Neurons: 73,002
You are not comparing like with like, though, so the comparison is not relevant.

The point stands - the narrative sentence moves through several different ideas and the subject (of the verb) gets lost.
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