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Atatürk
Posted: Tuesday, November 6, 2018 3:37:44 PM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 60
Neurons: 214
Could you please check the grammar and vocabulary of my writing?

Today I wanted to take some stuff to the university, so opened my car and put the stuff into it one by one. However, as my smartphone was kind of cumbersome in my hand, I put it on the roof of the car. After putting everything, I started the car and moved on. After a while, when I was speeding down an underground (under a square) I suddenly heard a bang above the car; at first I thought it was a bird or something bounced off the tires, an object under the tires. But after getting away for a kilometre, I suddenly suspected it might be my phone! While driving, I quickly searched inside the car, but to no avail. What a misery! Having pulled over the car, I got off and and tried to stop some motorcycles passing by, and at the same time I ran backwards towards the underground. It was a one way road and I didn't have enough time to make it by car going round several squares and streets to reach there. In addition, it was dangerous to stop my car in such a crowded place. I was feeling frustrated, different thoughts flying in my mind: now several cars run over it, someone takes it and will not bring it back to me, it has already been broken by the hard hit on the ground. It had barely passed one minute that a motorcyclist stopped, after a few failing attempts of course. I explained the story shortly, but he was reluctant to go back, being fined by the traffic police. I, nevertheless, managed to convince him to take me there by promising him to compensate for him if the police caught us. I was rather observant going down the underground and tried to spot every object which was akin to my smartphone phone, my eyes going left and right of the road. At the middle of the underground something eventually attracted my attention. The closer we got, the more hopeful I became. "Yes, that's it, stop, stop," I told the motorcyclist. Jumping off the motorcycle, I ran after the phone locating at tje farest marging of the road, big chance! I took hand of it, still on. I immediately inspected the phone all over and, to my surprise, there were just two scratches on the cover of the phone, a miracle! It was a breathtaking experience for me. After coming back to my car, I tried to thank him by offering him some money, but he didn't accept. He was certainly a man of big heart; God bless him. Now, just some hours after the incident, I am writing this diary with the same phone. He is my witness!
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, November 6, 2018 4:58:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,707
Neurons: 51,295
Atatürk wrote:
Could you please check the grammar and vocabulary of my writing?

It's not too bad. A do see a few mistakes, however. But this looks like a writing assignment, and, if so, we shouldn't help you with that. I will point out a spelling mistake, however. If it isn't homework, then we may help you.

Today I wanted to take some stuff to the university, so opened my car and put the stuff into it one by one. However, as my smartphone was kind of cumbersome in my hand, I put it on the roof of the car. After putting everything, I started the car and moved on. After a while, when I was speeding down an underground (under a square) I suddenly heard a bang above the car; at first I thought it was a bird or something bounced off the tires, an object under the tires. But after getting away for a kilometre, I suddenly suspected it might be my phone! While driving, I quickly searched inside the car, but to no avail. What a misery! Having pulled over the car, I got off and and tried to stop some motorcycles passing by, and at the same time I ran backwards towards the underground. It was a one way road and I didn't have enough time to make it by car going round several squares and streets to reach there. In addition, it was dangerous to stop my car in such a crowded place. I was feeling frustrated, different thoughts flying in my mind: now several cars run over it, someone takes it and will not bring it back to me, it has already been broken by the hard hit on the ground. It had barely passed one minute that a motorcyclist stopped, after a few failing attempts of course. I explained the story shortly, but he was reluctant to go back, being fined by the traffic police. I, nevertheless, managed to convince him to take me there by promising him to compensate for him if the police caught us. I was rather observant going down the underground and tried to spot every object which was akin to my smartphone phone, my eyes going left and right of the road. At the middle of the underground something eventually attracted my attention. The closer we got, the more hopeful I became. "Yes, that's it, stop, stop," I told the motorcyclist. Jumping off the motorcycle, I ran after the phone locating at the farthest margin of the road, big chance! I took hand of it, still on. I immediately inspected the phone all over and, to my surprise, there were just two scratches on the cover of the phone, a miracle! It was a breathtaking experience for me. After coming back to my car, I tried to thank him by offering him some money, but he didn't accept. He was certainly a man of big heart; God bless him. Now, just some hours after the incident, I am writing this diary with the same phone. He is my witness!


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Atatürk
Posted: Wednesday, November 7, 2018 2:11:53 AM
Rank: Newbie

Joined: 10/25/2018
Posts: 60
Neurons: 214
No it's not an assignment; I just wanted to put down what happened to me yesterday and improve my writing. Please help me.
RuthP
Posted: Wednesday, November 7, 2018 4:50:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/2/2009
Posts: 5,141
Neurons: 56,686
Location: Drain, Oregon, United States
Atatürk wrote:
Could you please check the grammar and vocabulary of my writing?

You wrote quite well and mostly very understandably. Don't be afraid of all the blue. Most of it is explanations. Some things are definite changes. Many things are stylistic. Things to think about to make writing more effective or to give it a bigger impact.

You are quite good in English, so you could try something that is recommended for native writers. When you have written something, print it out, double spaced giving room for corrections. Let it sit, meaning don't reread it, for at least several hours, preferably overnight. Then read it out loud, slowly. You will be surprised how many instances of errors, or writing that may confuse the reader you will be able to find. I think you are good enough that you will also find style changes you wish to make if you do this. I think you will be able to do much of your own editing before having someone else read the work.


Today I wanted to take some stuff to the university, so opened my car and put the stuff things (Because the next thing you say is "one by one". It's better to have a countable noun. It's OK to use "stuff to the university", then "the things into the car".) into it one by one. However, as my smartphone was kind of cumbersome in my hand, I put it on the roof of the car. After putting everything in, I started the car and moved on. After a while, when I was speeding down an underground (under a square) (I'm not sure what you're describing. At first, I thought you were in a tunnel, under a square--public area--but that doesn't go with the bird comment. This needs rewording) I suddenly heard a bang above the car;. (I would use a period here, not a semicolon. Semicolons aren't used unless there's a specific reason for using one.) aAt first I thought it was a bird, (You need a capital letter if you start a new sentence, and you need a comma after "bird" because you have completed one possibility and now are starting a second. Without the comma, it is too hard for the reader to figure out what words go together.) or something bounced off was kicked up by the tires, (Because you heard the noise above your head, but the tires are below the car, so you need to get the sound overhead. "Kicked up" does that. Things like stones, or pieces of glass or metal are commonly "kicked up" off the roadway and might hit the top of the car.) an object under the tires. But after getting away continuing on for a kilometre, I suddenly suspected it might be my phone! While driving, I quickly searched inside the car(, but) (to) no avail(Use either ", but no avail"--with the comma, or "to no avail" without the comma. "To no avail" would be more common, however ", but no avail" has a slightly sadder, more futile feel). What a misery! Having pulled over the car, I got off out (One is in the car, so one gets "out" or "out of the car". In this case, having just used "car" in pulling over, you would just get "out".) and tried to stop some motorcycles passing by, and a. At (This is stylistic only, there is nothing wrong with the sentence. We tend to think this way, running things together. In writing, it is often better to finish the thought with a period and go on to a new sentence. Your decision.) the same time I ran backwards backed up towards (OK, this is an AE pet peeve. There is a perfectly good word: toward. Somehow, we have added a functionless "s" to the end of it. I'm either reading a great many BE authors, or there are a lot of AE authors trying to sound British today, because "towards" keeps yanking me out of the stories I'm reading.) the underground. It was a one way road and I didn't have enough time to make it by car going round several squares and streets to reach there. In addition, it was would be (Because you have stopped your car and parked, presumably not in the dangerous area. This is, therefore, an unreal possibility, and it requires the subjunctive. Use of the subjunctive lets the reader know that you're talking about a possibility you did not take--and, you're explaining why.) dangerous to stop my car in such a crowded place. I was feeling frustrated, different thoughts flying in my mind: (OK, most of this is stylistic suggestions for the next part. The colon here is good as long as you are setting off a list. If you want to use "now", it needs to be "by now several cars have run over it". I suggest, however, that what you have here is more a list of panicked possibilities. Keeping the list and each element of the list short, choppy and disconnected gives that feeling of panic to what you write. It also makes it easier to keep the verb tenses in the list the same. Because the elements are complete sentences, they must be separated either by a comma and a conjunction or by a semicolon. I suggest a semicolon, as being choppier.) now several cars run over it(, or)(;) someone takes it and will not bring it back to me runs away(, or)(;) it has already been is broken by from the hard hit on fall to the ground. (The phrase "will not bring it back to me" is too long to be effective. "Runs away" implies the same information in two words. The last changes are to keep all the verb tenses in the list the same. The tenses should be the same regardless of how you organize the list, something that can be surprisingly difficult to do.) It had barely passed one minute that Barely a minute had passed when (First, use active voice, not passive voice. Second, you are dealing with time. "When" deals with time. "That" deals with selection, with "which alternative".) a motorcyclist stopped, after a few failing attempts of course (Talking about failed attempts does not feel right when you have just said "Barely a minute passed." Either you want to emphasize the wait, in which case "barely a minute" is not appropriate, or you wish to emphasize the short time, in which case "several failed attempts" is not appropriate.. I explained the story shortly, ("I quickly explained the story." Or, "I explained the story briefly." First, once again you are concerned with time. "Quickly" or "briefly" expresses "in a short period of time". Using "shortly" in this situation is not common. It can be done, but requires a different sentence structure and isn't the style you're using. Second, this is the end of the you-telling-the-story part, so end this sentence here. Start the story of what happens once the motorcyclist knows your story in a new sentence. Again, your original writing mirrors how we tend to thing, and speak in casual situations: we run thing together. It is not a very effective writing style.) but hHe was reluctant to go back (in the wrong way), for fear of being fined by the traffic police. (The "in the wrong way" is not strictly speaking necessary. You did mention you were on a one-way street. It, however, clarifies and reinforces for the reader exactly what is wrong about going back. I suggest using it, but it's a stylistic decision. The "for fear of" is necessary. Otherwise, the sentence sounds like the cyclist had already been fined, which would have nothing to do with your story. In the next sentence, I have removed your commas around "nevertheless". You are correct that in some circumstances "nevertheless" might be an optional inclusion set off by commas. In this case, it emphasizes the difficulty of convincing the cyclist and should be considered an integral part of the sentence.) I nevertheless managed to convince him to take me there by promising him to compensate for him promising to compensate him (for any fine) if the police caught us.(You are promising to do something for him. What is it you will do? You will compensate him, i.e. give him the money to pay the fine, if he is caught and fined. The "for any fine" is optional, a stylistic choice.) I was (rather)(sharply)(intensely) (I suggest you need a stronger adjective than "rather". You want something that suggests all your attention was on the observation) observant going down the underground( and)(. I) tried to spot every object which was akin to my smartphone phone, my eyes going left and right of the road. (I suggest you make a separate sentence out of this last part. Again, shorter sentences suggest more urgency. This last part is long enough on its own.) At the middle of the underground something (eventually attracted my attention)(finally jumped out at me). (Stylistic choices; there are many other alternatives. I offer wording which suggests that the time probably felt long to you--whether or not it was--while you were looking. That's the "finally". Your previous sentence indicated you were looking at anything like your cell phone, so something needs to differentiate the specific time it really was your phone. That's the "jumped out". "Jumped out" is also more keyed-up and emotional, which is the feeling: an intense search.) The closer we got, the more hopeful I became. ("Yes, that's it, stop, stop,")(Yes, that's it! Stop! Stop!) (Stylistic: consider exclamation points instead of commas.) I told the motorcyclist. Jumping off the motorcycle, I ran after the phone locating it at tje farest marging (I think you can see what's wrong with this.) of the road, big chance! ("big chance" is just not right in English. I understand what you are trying to say, but this doesn't work. I would finish with a period after "road", and then make the exclamation "A miracle!" This is not a complete sentence, but it is an allowable form.) I took hand of it, (Either "I took it in hand." Or, "I took hold of it." The second would be more common. Both are complete sentences, so the next part needs to be another exclamation.) sStill on.! I immediately inspected the phone all over and, to my surprise, there were just two scratches on the cover of the phone, a (Repeating "the phone" is redundant. You have just used it. The words are not needed for clarity or emotion or understanding, so cut them out.) miracle! It was a breathtaking experience for me. After coming back to my car, I tried to thank him by offering him some money, but he didn't accept. He was certainly a man of big heart; God bless him. Now, just some hours after the incident, I am writing this diary with the same phone. He is my witness!
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