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When an extravagant boy.. Options
Amybal
Posted: Monday, October 8, 2018 12:29:00 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 419
Neurons: 2,266
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence?

Short summary
When an extravagant boy is forced to work as a part time cashier at a convenient store, he meets a pretty girl Som and Gab learns that only he can communicate with her. Who is she? Why only gab can see her?

Long summary
After spending money like there is no tomorrow, Gab's parents decide to teach him a lesson by no longer sending him money. With no cash in hand, Gab is forced to work as a part time cashier at a convenient store. While there, he stumbles upon a pretty girl Som. After finding her in a wet suit in the store, Gab learns that only he can communicate with her. Wanting to know what happened to her, Gab sets out to investigate Som's life and figure out how to help her.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, October 8, 2018 10:11:46 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 30,636
Neurons: 181,638
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hi!

"Extravagant" doesn't only mean "spending too much money" - it could also mean "wearing 'showy' clothing". I think a better phrase to show this is "spendthrift". You could use it either as a noun or an adjective.

When a spendthrift boy is forced to work as a part time cashier
When a spendthrift is forced to work as a part time cashier


The first "Gab" is unnecessary if you are continuing the sentence.

he meets a pretty girl Som and learns that only he can communicate with her.
he meets a pretty girl Som. Gab learns that only he can communicate with her.


The last sentence in the short description is out-of-sequence for a question - and "Gab" should have a capital letter.
Why can only Gab see her?

I think you mean 'convenience store'
**********
The long description is good except for a couple of points - 'convenience store' again and the grammar of the first sentence.

When you use a participle phase as an adverb, it usually "assumes" the subject of the main clause.
The subject of the main clause is "Gab's parents". Therefore, it is Gab's parents who have been spending money like there's no tomorrow.

You could re-phrase the phrase or the clause - one or the other.
After Gab spends their money like there is no tomorrow, his parents decide to teach him a lesson by no longer sending him money.
This is OK, as it is now two separate clauses, but it feels a little unbalanced as the clauses have different subjects.

After spending money like there is no tomorrow, Gab is sent no more money by his parents, to teach him a lesson.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, October 9, 2018 5:19:35 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 419
Neurons: 2,266
Thank you for the feedback, Drag0nspeaker.

Shall I go with this for short version:

When a spendthrift boy is forced to work as a part time cashier at a convenience store he meets a pretty girl Som and learns that only he can communicate with her.
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