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Amybal
Posted: Thursday, September 27, 2018 5:38:03 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 352
Neurons: 1,921
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence?

Short summary
Risa, a teenage girl who has the ability to see ghosts stays temporarily with her sister as one night she gets tortured by the haunting female ghosts in the house.

Long summary
In this sequel, Risa's ability to see ghosts continues, much to the chagrin of her family. However, her friendship with her ghost friends gets threatened when she meets two new friends, Norma and Marianne, and the others become uncomfortable with them around.
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, September 27, 2018 11:21:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,543
Neurons: 50,661
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence?
I would reword the Short summary a bit.

Short summary
Risa is a teenage girl with the ability to see ghosts. One night, while staying with her sister, she is tormented by a female ghost.

Risa, a teenage girl who has the ability to see ghosts stays temporarily with her sister as one night she gets tortured by the haunting female ghosts in the house.

The last part is a bit confusing. Who becomes uncomfortable -- the ghosts or the new friends?
Long summary
In this sequel, Risa's ability to see ghosts continues, much to the chagrin of her family. However, her friendship with her ghost friends becomes threatened when she meets two new friends, Norma and Marianne, and the others become uncomfortable with them around.


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Amybal
Posted: Sunday, October 7, 2018 11:01:31 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 352
Neurons: 1,921
The last part is a bit confusing. Who becomes uncomfortable -- the ghosts or the new friends?

With the new friends.

Can we say:
In this sequel, Risa's ability to see ghosts continues, much to the chagrin of her family. However, her friendship with her ghost friends becomes threatened when she meets two new friends, Norma and Marianne, and the new friends become uncomfortable with them around.
FounDit
Posted: Monday, October 8, 2018 1:39:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,543
Neurons: 50,661
Amybal wrote:
The last part is a bit confusing. Who becomes uncomfortable -- the ghosts or the new friends?

With the new friends.

Can we say:
In this sequel, Risa's ability to see ghosts continues, much to the chagrin of her family. However, her friendship with her ghost friends becomes threatened when she meets two new friends, Norma and Marianne, and the new friends become uncomfortable with them around.


There isn't anything wrong with what you have here, but I find the last part just a little awkward. I would prefer different wording to show their discomfort.

Perhaps:

"...Norma and Marianne, who are/become unnerved by the thought of ghosts."

Or

"...Norma and Marianne, who become frightened at the idea of ghosts."



We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
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