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Could someone show me how the bold part can be improved? Options
Koh Elaine
Posted: Saturday, September 8, 2018 7:23:13 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/4/2012
Posts: 4,374
Neurons: 17,800
We informed you to ignore the notice to renew your motorcycle insurance policy because you said that you had not been renewing same since after the accident, but however, what you sent us attached to your email of 3 September 2018 is not your motorcycle insurance renewal notice but a renewal notice from MSIG in respect of an Accidental Death Plan policy which is on auto renewal.

We will not be able to advise you on this.

I think the part in bold has a few errors. Could someone show me how it can be improved?

Thanks.
Koh Elaine
Posted: Sunday, September 9, 2018 9:35:38 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/4/2012
Posts: 4,374
Neurons: 17,800
Could somebody please help? Thanks.
FounDit
Posted: Sunday, September 9, 2018 2:13:48 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,725
Neurons: 51,343
Koh Elaine wrote:
We informed you to ignore the notice to renew your motorcycle insurance policy because you said that you had not been renewing same since after the accident, but however, what you sent us attached to your email of 3 September 2018 is not your motorcycle insurance renewal notice but a renewal notice from MSIG in respect of an Accidental Death Plan policy which is on auto renewal.

We will not be able to advise you on this.

I think the part in bold has a few errors. Could someone show me how it can be improved?

Thanks.


This is so poorly worded, I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I'll try. Looking only at the part in bold, the word "same" refers to your motorcycle insurance policy — "you have not been renewing same (your policy) since the accident...". What you sent them was a renewal notice from MSIG, not your motorcycle insurance policy renewal.


We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Koh Elaine
Posted: Sunday, September 9, 2018 2:18:34 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 7/4/2012
Posts: 4,374
Neurons: 17,800
Thanks, FounDit.

It is indeed badly written.
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2018 5:27:10 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 30,418
Neurons: 179,538
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
Hello Koh Elaine.

Some of the difficulty with the message is that you have no real BIG mistakes, but a collection of small 'unusual usages'.
Each one would not cause anyone to mention it, but two or three together makes one notice them.

These are possibly things not really explained in a dictionary or grammar-book.

One does not normally "inform someone to do something" ("We informed you to ignore the notice").
You tell someone to do something (a strong order) - or you inform them that something should/could be done (a suggestion).
"We told you to ignore the notice . . ."
"We informed you that you could ignore the notice . . ."


"Same" is not used in normal conversation or informal writing, but IS acceptable in this sort of letter. However, I think that 'it' would be more common.

You do not use "but" and "however" together. The most common usages are (I think) "but" as a conjunction in the middle of a sentence and "however" at the start of a sentence.

In this case (because you already have quite a long first sentence) I would use 'however'.

"We informed you that you could ignore the notice to renew your motorcycle insurance policy because you said that you had not been renewing it since after the accident.
However, what you sent us attached . . ."


"In respect of" sounds odd to me. Possibly it is common in some circumstances (I'm not a 'business language' expert at all), but I would use 'concerning'.
"a renewal notice from MSIG concerning an Accidental Death Plan"

We informed you that you could ignore the notice to renew your motorcycle insurance policy because you said that you had not been renewing it since after the accident. However, what you sent us attached to your email of 3 September 2018 is not your motorcycle insurance renewal notice but a renewal notice from MSIG concerning an Accidental Death Plan policy which is on auto renewal.




Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
Romany
Posted: Monday, September 10, 2018 7:48:12 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/14/2009
Posts: 14,548
Neurons: 45,447
Location: Brighton, England, United Kingdom
"Had not been renewing it" since the accident?

Surely what they mean is that you "hadn't renewed it" since the accident?
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