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Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2018 1:28:48 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 294
Neurons: 1,605
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence?

Short
A heartfelt story inspired by actor-comedian Nabil based on an early childhood memory of his own of fighting with his siblings, the war of attrition.

Long summary
This story is inspired by actor-comedian Nabil of his own childhood memories of always fighting with his siblings. The younger brother, Angah, is always jealous of his brother because he feels that the parents are being very kind and love the elder brother more and ignored him. But soon the secret is uncovered when Mother tells the true story behind the love to his elder son and Angah realizes her mistake.
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2018 3:22:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,414
Neurons: 50,096
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentence?
My suggestions:

Short
A heartfelt story inspired by actor-comedian Nabil based on an early childhood memory of fighting a war of attrition with his siblings.

Long summary
This story is inspired by actor-comedian Nabil of his own childhood memories of always fighting with his siblings. The younger brother, Angah, is jealous of his older brother because he feels that his parents are more kind and loving towards the elder brother and ignore him. But soon a secret is uncovered when his Mother reveals the true story behind her love for Nabil and Angah realizes her(?) mistake.
Is it "her" mistake for loving Nabil more, or "his" (Angah's) mistake for misjudging his mother?



We should look to the past to learn from it, not destroy our future because of it — FounDit
Drag0nspeaker
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2018 3:33:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/12/2011
Posts: 29,894
Neurons: 173,985
Location: Livingston, Scotland, United Kingdom
I agree with FounDit's changes.

I have a question - it's really something which is not said (but would make a difference).

Is Nabil the author of the story?

If so, I would change them to:
A heartfelt story by actor-comedian Nabil based on an early childhood memory of fighting a war of attrition with his siblings.

This story by actor-comedian Nabil is inspired by his own childhood memories of always fighting with his siblings. The younger brother, Angah, is jealous of his older brother because he feels that his parents are more kind and loving towards the elder brother and ignore him. But soon a secret is uncovered when his Mother reveals the true story behind her love for Nabil and Angah realizes her/his(?) mistake.


If he is not the author (but only the inspiration), I would write:
A heartfelt story inspired by actor-comedian Nabil's early childhood memory of fighting a war of attrition with his siblings.

This story is inspired by actor-comedian Nabil - from his childhood memories of always fighting with his siblings. The younger brother, Angah, is jealous of his older brother because he feels that his parents are more kind and loving towards the elder brother and ignore him. But soon a secret is uncovered when his Mother reveals the true story behind her love for Nabil and Angah realizes her/his(?) mistake.


Wyrd bið ful aræd - bull!
NKM
Posted: Tuesday, June 12, 2018 4:42:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 2/14/2015
Posts: 4,866
Neurons: 263,920
Location: Corinth, New York, United States
Drag0nspeaker wrote:

If so, I would change them to:
A heartfelt story by actor-comedian Nabil based on an early childhood memory of fighting a war of attrition with his siblings.


I'd add a comma before "based on".

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