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Amybal
Posted: Sunday, April 8, 2018 12:17:54 PM
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Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentences?

Short Summary
When the oldest pyramid in the world is found in Indonesia, a journalist teams up with an archaeologist and a shaman to investigate.

Long Summary
A journalist teams up with an archaeologist and a shaman to investigate the world's oldest pyramid in Indonesia. When they discover it's a prison for a demon, they have to prevent it from breaking out and ending the world.
palapaguy
Posted: Sunday, April 8, 2018 12:35:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/28/2013
Posts: 815
Neurons: 9,099
Location: Calabasas, California, United States
What do "it's" and "it" in the second sentence refer to? The pyramid or the demon? I think "it" should be replaced by "the demon."
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 4:57:48 AM
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Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Hi,palapaguy thank you so much for your reply. You are absolutely right.

I made some changes, try this?

Short Summary
When the oldest pyramid in the world is found in Indonesia, a journalist teams up with an archaeologist and a paranormal expert to investigate.

Long Summary
A journalist teams up with an archaeologist and a paranormal expert to investigate the world's oldest pyramid in Indonesia. When they discover that this ancient pyramid is a prison for a malevolent ancient demon, they must stop the demon from breaking out and ending the world.
srirr
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 5:36:55 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 12/29/2009
Posts: 6,132
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Location: Delhi, NCT, India
I think the two summaries are not saying the same thing. Moreover, it is perhaps not what you intend to say in the first place (that's my intuition).

When the oldest pyramid in the world is found in Indonesia, a journalist teams up with an archaeologist and a paranormal expert to investigate.
This means someone found the pyramid and following the news, the journalist with other person investigated the place. But when you read the long summary, it does not say that the discovery of the oldest pyramid is new. The pyramid may have been known to the oldest since ages, and there might have been hundreds of expeditions. The journalist's investigation is another addition.

When they discover that this ancient pyramid is a prison for a malevolent ancient demon, they must stop the demon from breaking out and ending the world.
This conveys that just by knowing (by the team) that the pyramid has been a prison, the demon is set to move out of it. (?)

Grammatically, the sentences are OK, but the meaning is confusing.



We are responsible for what we are, and whatever we wish ourselves to be, we have the power to make ourselves. ~ Swami Vivekanand
FounDit
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 4:34:24 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,774
Neurons: 47,206
Amybal wrote:
Hi,palapaguy thank you so much for your reply. You are absolutely right.

I made some changes, try this?
Both srirr and palapaguy made good points. I would take their ideas and make the following changes:

Short Summary
When the oldest pyramid in the world is found in Indonesia, a journalist teams up with an archaeologist and a paranormal expert to investigate.

Long Summary
A journalist teams up with an archaeologist and a paranormal expert to investigate the newly-found, world's oldest pyramid in Indonesia. When they discover that this ancient pyramid is a prison for a malevolent ancient demon, and their presence might free it, they must find a way to stop the demon from breaking out and ending the world.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Wednesday, April 11, 2018 12:03:25 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Thank you for explaining further FounDit and srirr. Yes, it is confusing after I read it several times.

In 2012, the world was uproar by a new discovery of an ancient pyramid knows as the Gunung Padang Pyramid. But the three just found during their research.

Based on the feedback, I have re-write them, try this?

Short summary
When a group found out that the world's oldest pyramid in Indonesia is a prison for a malevolent ancient demon, they must find a way to stop the demon from breaking out and ending the world.
Long summary
Tomo, a journalist working for a tabloid about supernatural topics, who is assigned to do a reportage on Gunung Padang megalithic site in Cianjur, West Java. He later meets a paranormal expert named Guntur and the head of the site’s archaeologist team, Arni. The group eventually find out that the historical place is actually a prison for an ancient power that wants to destroy the world.
FounDit
Posted: Wednesday, April 11, 2018 1:33:27 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,774
Neurons: 47,206
Amybal wrote:
Thank you for explaining further FounDit and srirr. Yes, it is confusing after I read it several times.

In 2012, the world was uproar by a new discovery of an ancient pyramid knows as the Gunung Padang Pyramid. But the three just found during their research.

Based on the feedback, I have re-write them, try this?
I think you were better off before, but if you want to go with this one, I think some changes are needed.

Short summary
When a group found out that the world's oldest pyramid in Indonesia is a prison for a malevolent ancient demon who seeks to escape, they must find a way to stop the demon from breaking out and ending the world.

Long summary
Tomo, a journalist working for a tabloid about supernatural topics, is assigned to do a report on Gunung Padang, a megalithic site in Cianjur, West Java. Meeting with a paranormal expert named Guntur and the head of the site’s archaeologist team, Arni, the group discovers that the historical place is actually a prison for an ancient power that seeks to escape and destroy the world.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Thursday, April 12, 2018 2:44:29 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Hi FounDit,

I will stick to the previous summary. One more question, what is this means "and their presence might free it"?
FounDit
Posted: Thursday, April 12, 2018 8:28:11 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,774
Neurons: 47,206
Amybal wrote:
Hi FounDit,

I will stick to the previous summary. One more question, what is this means "and their presence might free it"?



It's a way of saying that the fact that they are there at, or in the pyramid, their presence, might provide an opportunity for the demon to escape, perhaps by tricking one of them, or taking control of one of them; something it could not do if they were not present.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Friday, April 13, 2018 3:21:17 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Understood, thanks FounDit Applause
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