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Amybal
Posted: Friday, April 6, 2018 3:33:48 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
A beautiful girl, Merah, lives with her step mother and step sister. Inherits her beauty from her birth mother, she is an Indera who has magical powers to make plants and flowers bloom healthily.

Long summary
A beautiful 14 years-old girl Merah lives in an isolated part of Inderaloka with her step-mother Mak Kuntum and step-sister Putih. Mak Kuntum has been trying to plant the highly sought-after rose plant in her garden. She suddenly gets a windfall when all her roses grow and bloom beautifully overnight. This arouses the suspicion of Mak Bidan, the nosy neighbour. Now, Mak Bidan is on the mission to find out the person behind of this work?
FounDit
Posted: Friday, April 6, 2018 10:36:44 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,774
Neurons: 47,206
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentences?
Since you begin by saying she is beautiful, it seems redundant to me to state her beauty is inherited from her mother. I would omit that part. And a bit of rewording might make it read more smoothly. Also, flowers bloom, but plants don't always do so. Plants are said to flower, or produce flowers, and some don't flower at all. So I changed that word to "grow" instead.

Short summary
A beautiful girl, Merah, lives with her step mother and step sister. She is an Indera, someone who has the magical power to make plants and flowers grow healthily.

Long summary
A beautiful 14 years-old girl, Merah, lives in an isolated part of Inderaloka with her step-mother, Mak Kuntum, and step-sister Putih. Mak Kuntum has been trying to grow a highly sought-after rose plant in her garden. She suddenly gets a windfall when all her roses grow and bloom beautifully overnight. This arouses the suspicion of Mak Bidan, the nosy neighbour. Now, Mak Bidan is on a mission to find out who is behind that?

The part about a windfall doesn't make sense. A windfall is an unexpected benefit. If she has magical powers to make plants bloom, why would this be a windfall? Does she not know about her power?

If that is true, then the short summary should say that she is unaware of her magical ability to make plants and flowers grow.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Saturday, April 7, 2018 12:06:37 PM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Hi FounDit, Thank you for your feedback.

Yes, that makes sense, I would prefer to use grow instead bloom.

The part about a windfall doesn't make sense. A windfall is an unexpected benefit. If she has magical powers to make plants bloom, why would this be a windfall? Does she not know about her power?

For this part, only Mak Kuntum is getting the windfall, not Merah. Because in the second line I've mentioned that Mak Kuntum is the one who trying to grow the plan.So Mak Kuntum gets a windfall.

No one knows Merah has the power, except herself.

Do you think the second and third line confusing?
Amybal
Posted: Sunday, April 8, 2018 10:58:48 PM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
I have amended, try this?

Short synopsis
In Inderaloka, when a mother of two daughters, has been trying to grow a highly sought-after rose plant in her garden, suddenly she gets a windfall when all her roses grow and bloom beautifully overnight.

Long synopsis
A beautiful 14 years-old girl, Merah, lives in an isolated part of Inderaloka with her step-mother, Mak Kuntum, and step-sister Putih. When Mak Kuntum has been trying to grow a highly sought-after rose plant in her garden suddenly she gets a windfall when all her roses grow and bloom beautifully overnight. This arouses the suspicion of Mak Bidan, the nosy neighbour. Now, Mak Bidan is on a mission to find out who is behind the mystery?
FounDit
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2018 5:59:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 8,774
Neurons: 47,206
Amybal wrote:
I have amended, try this?

Short synopsis
In Inderaloka, a woman has been trying to grow a highly sought-after rose plant in her garden. She is surprised when she gets a windfall, and all her roses grow and bloom beautifully overnight.

Long synopsis
A beautiful 14 year-old girl, Merah, lives in an isolated part of Inderaloka with her step-mother, Mak Kuntum, and step-sister Putih. When Mak Kuntum, who has been trying to grow a highly sought-after rose plant in her garden, sees all her roses grow and bloom beautifully overnight, she is shocked and surprised. This arouses the suspicion of Mak Bidan, the nosy neighbour. Now, Mak Bidan is on a mission to find out who is behind this mystery.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 2:33:31 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 71
Neurons: 432
Thank you so much FounDit.
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