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Amybal
Posted: Saturday, April 7, 2018 1:36:11 PM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 220
Neurons: 1,213
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentences?

Short summary
When Badang, a young boy is jealous of his friend Suman’s new bike he decides to join the local weightlifting competition to win the prize money and get himself a new bike.

Long summary
Badang, a young boy who is jealous of his friend Suman’s new bike. Soon, he decides to join the local weightlifting competition to win the prize money and get himself a new bike. However, he loses badly. But he caught the person who has been stealing his fish, an Indera girl names Nami. Nami decides to help Badang, to repay for the wrong she has done. With Nami’s help, Badang gains inhuman strength and re-enters the competition.
Amybal
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2018 4:52:55 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 220
Neurons: 1,213
Hi, would appreciate some help? Thank you.
FounDit
Posted: Monday, April 9, 2018 5:41:09 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/19/2011
Posts: 9,146
Neurons: 48,982
Amybal wrote:
Hi, do you see anything grammatically wrong in these sentences?
My suggestions:
Some punctuation might be in order and a bit of rewording, I think.

Short summary
When Badang, a young boy, is jealous of his friend Suman’s new bike, he decides to join the local weightlifting competition in order to win the prize money and get himself a new bike.
This leaves it in your words as much as I can, but if I were to write it, I might say it like this:
"A young boy, Badang, is jealous of his friend, Suman, who has a new bike. He decides..."


Long summary
Badang, a young boy, is jealous of his friend Suman’s new bike. He decides to join the local weightlifting competition so as to win the prize money and get himself a new bike. However, he loses badly. During this same time, he catches the person who has been stealing his fish, an Indera girl named Nami. Nami decides to help Badang, as repayment for the theft she has committed. With Nami’s help, Badang gains inhuman strength and re-enters the competition.


A great many people will think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. ~ William James ~
Amybal
Posted: Tuesday, April 10, 2018 2:32:26 AM
Rank: Member

Joined: 2/8/2018
Posts: 220
Neurons: 1,213
Thank you FounDit. This is very helpful.
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