The Free Dictionary  
mailing list For webmasters
Welcome Guest Forum Search | Active Topics | Members

JOKE OF THE DAY Options
Hope123
Posted: Monday, December 04, 2017 4:01:49 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS

TSA disclosed the following
Airport Screening Results

2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :


Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3

It was also discovered that 308 male politicians
had no testicles.

Thought you'd like to know.

Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, December 05, 2017 5:02:22 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 40,355
Neurons: 321,406
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Hope!
Applause Applause Applause


In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
IMcRout
Posted: Tuesday, December 05, 2017 5:25:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 34,503
Neurons: 505,708
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
I completely agree with JJ, but I am surprised about the large number of natural blondes. Whistle

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 12:09:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
IMc and JJ - :)

The following is apropos for a language/literature site?

https://me.me/i/i-think-that-ishall-never-see-a-poem-as-lovely-13910580

Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 12:16:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Not a joke but a truism.

From: Anu Garg (words at wordsmith.org)
Subject: limericks

How I’d love to fill the world’s crania
with more than sports, sex, and extranea.
To sharpen their wits,
in their veins I would spritz
megadoses of bibliomania!

Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
black alonso
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 7:14:03 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/21/2015
Posts: 5,925
Neurons: 30,916
Location: Heidelberg, Baden-Wuerttemberg Region, Germany


I rather jump around in the kitchen instead of analyzing.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 1:21:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Love it Black Alonso.

Mommy or Mom.

A mummy is a dead person as in Egypt. 😀

Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
Hope123
Posted: Monday, December 11, 2017 9:12:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
https://youtu.be/YGOLz9hVK6o



Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, December 14, 2017 4:42:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 31,700
Neurons: 1,083,857
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada



"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, January 06, 2018 10:20:23 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Copied as is from email.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?. Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don't beat around the bush; just tell me how much you need?
8 Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, January 09, 2018 12:19:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 31,700
Neurons: 1,083,857
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:D ^^^




Everytime you get dressed,
remember if you die,
thats going to be
your ghost outfit
forever


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Thursday, January 11, 2018 7:02:00 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 40,355
Neurons: 321,406
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland



In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, January 11, 2018 12:56:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 31,700
Neurons: 1,083,857
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 11:34:17 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Not a joke but nowhere else to put words of wisdom: (copied as is from email)
Subject: Something to ponder over as the years go by....

Time Gets Better With Age

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.. Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, And doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 74

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug,
Or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 76

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 80

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.


Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 1:01:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 40,355
Neurons: 321,406
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Hope,
Applause Applause Applause


In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, January 15, 2018 3:18:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 31,700
Neurons: 1,083,857
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, January 16, 2018 11:41:46 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,409
Neurons: 42,805
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Thanks JJ.

Love it, Schlooky! My laugh for the day.

Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. Albert Schweitzer
Schlook Inside
Posted: Wednesday, January 17, 2018 12:34:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 31,700
Neurons: 1,083,857
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada





Two for Tuesday

"Be kind everyone is fighting a hard battle"
Users browsing this topic
Guest


Forum Jump
You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.

Main Forum RSS : RSS
Forum Terms and Guidelines. Copyright © 2008-2018 Farlex, Inc. All rights reserved.