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Hope123
Posted: Monday, December 4, 2017 4:01:49 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS

TSA disclosed the following
Airport Screening Results

2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :


Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3

It was also discovered that 308 male politicians
had no testicles.

Thought you'd like to know.

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Tuesday, December 5, 2017 5:02:22 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 42,098
Neurons: 426,845
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Hope!
Applause Applause Applause


In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
IMcRout
Posted: Tuesday, December 5, 2017 5:25:40 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,382
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
I completely agree with JJ, but I am surprised about the large number of natural blondes. Whistle

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 12:09:39 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
IMc and JJ - :)

The following is apropos for a language/literature site?

https://me.me/i/i-think-that-ishall-never-see-a-poem-as-lovely-13910580

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 12:16:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Not a joke but a truism.

From: Anu Garg (words at wordsmith.org)
Subject: limericks

How I’d love to fill the world’s crania
with more than sports, sex, and extranea.
To sharpen their wits,
in their veins I would spritz
megadoses of bibliomania!

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
black alonso
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 7:14:03 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/21/2015
Posts: 6,579
Neurons: 33,796
Location: Heidelberg, Baden-Wuerttemberg Region, Germany
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, December 10, 2017 1:21:37 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Love it Black Alonso.

Mommy or Mom.

A mummy is a dead person as in Egypt. 😀

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Hope123
Posted: Monday, December 11, 2017 9:12:16 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
https://youtu.be/YGOLz9hVK6o



The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, December 14, 2017 4:42:54 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada



“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, January 6, 2018 10:20:23 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Copied as is from email.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?. Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don't beat around the bush; just tell me how much you need?
8 Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, January 9, 2018 12:19:31 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
:D ^^^




Everytime you get dressed,
remember if you die,
thats going to be
your ghost outfit
forever


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Thursday, January 11, 2018 7:02:00 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 42,098
Neurons: 426,845
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland



In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Thursday, January 11, 2018 12:56:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 11:34:17 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Not a joke but nowhere else to put words of wisdom: (copied as is from email)
Subject: Something to ponder over as the years go by....

Time Gets Better With Age

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.. Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, And doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 74

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug,
Or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 76

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 80

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.


The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2018 1:01:58 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 42,098
Neurons: 426,845
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Hope,
Applause Applause Applause


In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Monday, January 15, 2018 3:18:45 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, January 16, 2018 11:41:46 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Thanks JJ.

Love it, Schlooky! My laugh for the day.

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Schlook Inside
Posted: Wednesday, January 17, 2018 12:34:29 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada





Two for Tuesday

“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, January 27, 2018 1:21:06 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
https://youtu.be/R9rymEWJX38

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, January 28, 2018 2:06:40 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada
Funny ^^^^






“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, February 1, 2018 8:25:07 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Copied - not proofread. Part one.

Enjoy

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you
can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken
pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York
Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.


This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but
I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he
can stop any time.


The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, February 1, 2018 8:27:08 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Part two.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.


--
Life is uncertain. Enjoy the ride.

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
IMcRout
Posted: Friday, February 2, 2018 5:25:31 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,382
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Applause Dancing Applause Dancing Applause

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
Hope123
Posted: Friday, February 2, 2018 10:18:57 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Glad you liked it, IMc!

HOW TO START A FIGHT….. #1

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Hope123
Posted: Friday, February 2, 2018 10:19:53 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
# 2

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Hope123
Posted: Friday, February 2, 2018 10:21:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
# 3

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
IMcRout
Posted: Saturday, February 3, 2018 7:11:37 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/27/2011
Posts: 35,382
Neurons: 563,379
Location: Lübeck, Schleswig-Holstein, Germany
Pray Not talking Silenced

Severe weather warning:

Southerners are advised not to travel unless absolutely necessary.

Northerners, You’ll need your big coat.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Anon)
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, February 3, 2018 1:42:13 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada





“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Saturday, February 3, 2018 1:42:57 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, February 4, 2018 10:32:17 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 8,411
Neurons: 48,155
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS (copied as is) (North Americans may do better, I don't know how wide spread these were) (Edited - let me know JJ, how familar you are with these - I see you're reading it)
· A test rather than an exam...whew!

· THE ANSWERS WILL BE ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER THE CORRECT ANSWER.

· DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED TO FIGURE IT OUT.

After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind? ________________.

When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.

'Get your kicks, __ _________ ____.'

'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ ___ _____.'

'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.'

After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____.'

Nestlé’s makes the very best _________.'

Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was______ ___________.

What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ______ ___ ________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________ '

Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______ _______.

The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ______ & _______.

In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to _______ ____________.

We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.

One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ ______.

Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _______ knows!

There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash". Its name was the ______ ______!

Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as its Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________

· ANSWERS:
· The Lone Ranger. A silver bullet
· The Ed Sullivan Show
· On Route 66
· To protect the innocent
· The Lion Sleeps Tonight
· The limbo
· Chocolate
· Louis Armstrong
· The Timex watch
· Freddy, the Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
· Draft cards (bras were also burned; not flags, as some have guessed)
· Beetle or Bug
· Buddy Holly
· Sputnik
· Hoola-hoop
· Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco
· Howdy Doody Time
· Shadow
· Monster Mash
· Speedy


The past is to be respected/acknowledged, not worshipped. It is in our future we will find our greatness. Pierre Trudeau
Jyrkkä Jätkä
Posted: Sunday, February 4, 2018 10:41:14 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 9/21/2009
Posts: 42,098
Neurons: 426,845
Location: Helsinki, Southern Finland Province, Finland
Addition to Hope's "part two":

... in the balance sheet there are two sides, left side and right side. On the left side there are nothing right and on the right sigt there are nothing left.


In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Sunday, February 18, 2018 12:56:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
black alonso
Posted: Monday, March 5, 2018 9:53:58 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 10/21/2015
Posts: 6,579
Neurons: 33,796
Location: Heidelberg, Baden-Wuerttemberg Region, Germany
Schlook Inside
Posted: Tuesday, March 6, 2018 2:09:51 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
Schlook Inside
Posted: Friday, March 9, 2018 6:22:19 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/27/2014
Posts: 35,460
Neurons: 1,353,818
Location: Montréal, Quebec, Canada


“The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.” – African Proverb.
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