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Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, September 14, 2016 2:16:17 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Good one, Kerry.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, September 14, 2016 8:36:18 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was an unorthodox monk
Who sat by a sycamore trunk.
He said: "Brother Jude,
I must sadly conclude
That most of the Bible is bunk".

While the scientist calculates fully,
The philosopher tends to be woolly.
When the former cries "Facts!"
The latter reacts
By saying: "Be quiet, you bully!"

Some thinkers apparently feel
That they and the world are not real.
When told "That's insane!
We clearly feel pain",
They don't seem to care a great deal.

The Allies who landed in Italy
Faced up to the Germans most grittily;
Our troops at Salerno
Endured an inferno.
"You can't call this dull", one said wittily.
Hope123
Posted: Wednesday, September 14, 2016 11:47:35 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Thanks, Audi.

We're going to a 25th wedding anniversary celebration this weekend -

There is a young couple from Carlisle
Who several years ago walked down the aisle
Their love is so sweet
From the time they did meet
That they're livin' and lovin' in style.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Kerry.P
Posted: Thursday, September 15, 2016 1:29:27 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
@ Hope: that's perfectly lovely

It hasn’t stopped raining for days
There’s buckets and puddles always
The buckets are brimming
The puddles are swimming
Growing gills must be the next phase.

I often wish I could retire;
It is my most heartfelt desire
But the bills won’t stop,
My income will drop
While the cost of living gets higher.

There once was a choir of friars
They said they sang higher than higher
When asked what they meant
It turns out they sent
Their falsetto to sing from high wires.

Dark shadowy halls make me shiver
My skin is goose-bumps and I quiver
Moonlight shines through my host
Who is only a ghost
With a ghastly enlarged, diseased liver.

I am in awe of our masterful poster
And laugh aloud at our humorous roaster
Audiendus we salute
This is but a poor tribute
You surely deserve a TFD toaster.

(Haven't seen any toasters floating around for ages - is TFD out of stock?)

Hope123
Posted: Thursday, September 15, 2016 9:38:22 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Kerry - Applause Applause Applause

They are all good but it is especially nice to salute Audi.

Under new management. No toasters any more Whistle as proceeds go to charity.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Thursday, September 15, 2016 7:47:14 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
In London, the present September
Is hotter than I can remember.
The weather's sublime,
And it's not the first time –
Last year had the warmest December.


My thanks go to Kerry and Hope;
Alas, I'm no Milton or Pope,
Who both could write reams
On high-minded themes,
With many an excellent trope.
Kerry.P
Posted: Thursday, September 22, 2016 4:13:21 AM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 5/7/2012
Posts: 2,653
Neurons: 12,995
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
NO! Please tell me that it isn’t so.
Hope said that our toasters had to go.
When members reached a goal
We voted as a whole
And toasted our poster you should know.
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, September 27, 2016 1:33:21 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A conductor I'd rather not name
Thought Mozart's concertos too tame,
So he added some bars
For electric guitars,
Which critics considered a shame.

Some teachers, renowned for their jollity,
Give lessons of dubious quality.
They say "Hello folks",
And tell some good jokes,
But parents condemn such frivolity.

There was a vainglorious yeoman
Who fought against France as a bowman.
He could fire a large arrow
Through fissures so narrow
That some thought him merely a showman.
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, November 11, 2016 8:09:44 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
The prospect of President Trump
Gives rational people the hump;
But folk with low earnings
Have desperate yearnings —
They'd even elect Forrest Gump.
Hope123
Posted: Friday, November 11, 2016 8:26:18 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Friends since 68
Came today and we ate
We had so much fun
But they had to run
The traffic just would not wait.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Hope123
Posted: Friday, November 11, 2016 8:29:33 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Exercises are supposed to be great
You work and you work and you wait
For muscles to grow
But it is so slow
They'll never get big at this rate.


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Monday, November 14, 2016 9:16:20 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
We had a big problem last summer
When we called an incompetent plumber.
He kicked a blocked tap
And made a pipe snap –
Have you ever heard anything dumber?

There was an accountant called Spiro
Who worked in a back street in Cairo;
He rode an old scooter
And lacked a computer –
He did all his sums in green biro.

The gents of the Raj wore starched collars,
Barked orders at boot-blacking wallahs,
And tended to snub
Brash types in the club
Who paid in American dollars.

The old Crystal Palace had stood
Eighty years when it burned down for good.
But if that great blaze
Hadn't ended its days,
The Luftwaffe probably would.
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2016 1:26:09 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
With nearly a month still to go,
Dire Yuletide's already on show;
I'm sick of Noels,
And sleigh rides and bells,
And cold frosty days,
And Nativity plays,
And sleet-laden skies,
And soggy mince pies,
And tinsel and glitter,
And shopping-street litter,
And cheap Santa's grottos,
And trite Christmas mottos,
And festive apparel,
And each hackneyed carol
With tone-deaf young choirs in full flow.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, November 27, 2016 5:18:43 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Seven of us worked yesterday,
The decorations are fine so they say
That the lobby looks great
'Cause Santa won't wait,
He's definitely coming our way.

The seven are a really great bunch
Afterward we went out to lunch
The wine it did flow
Made the cheeks glow
And the food tasted better to munch.





The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Monday, December 5, 2016 9:59:32 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a young fellow called Shane
Who started to preach on a plane.
He said: "It's my mission
To save from perdition
All passengers flying to Spain".

There was a young soldier called Sanders
Who fought in the trenches in Flanders.
There came to his lips
A succession of quips
Concerning his clueless commanders.

There was a 12th-century farmer
Who was ambushed by knights in full armour.
Afraid he'd be maimed,
The peasant exclaimed:
"If you put down your swords, I'll feel calmer".
Hope123
Posted: Monday, December 5, 2016 10:12:39 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
I wish I could write like Audi
He writes well even when cloudy
But when the sun shines
His verse it all rhymes
So well written it's not even rowdy.




The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Hope123
Posted: Saturday, December 24, 2016 11:38:26 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
A platitudinarian has won the day
He's bombastic is what they all say
But his orotund mouth
Was well liked in the south
So now they'll have more pay for play.






The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, December 25, 2016 7:51:15 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
Election debates make me weary;
They're quite democratic in theory,
But their shallow invective
Is rarely effective –
They ought to be witty, not sneery.
jacobusmaximus
Posted: Wednesday, December 28, 2016 8:04:26 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 4/17/2009
Posts: 11,369
Neurons: 410,928
Location: Glasgow, Scotland, United Kingdom
Alas it's too late for rebuttal
The comb-over man's on a Shuttle
Give him enough space
and we won't see his face
or hear his insults so subtle.


I remember, therefore I am.
Audiendus
Posted: Friday, December 30, 2016 9:13:36 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
To appeal to the urban elite,
You need to sound wise and discreet.
But to capture the plebs
As confidence ebbs,
Your speech requires passion and heat.
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, February 22, 2017 11:40:35 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a rich Russian tycoon
Who found the free market a boon.
As a KGB man
Before it began,
He'd been Marxist, but then changed his tune.

I noticed a large UFO
Come down in a field in the snow.
Some Martians got out,
And I heard their chief shout:
"We've made it, chaps. Jolly good show!"

An admiral fighting the Japs
Consulted his nautical maps;
But by some mistake,
They were those used by Drake,
And contained many errors and gaps.
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, April 13, 2017 11:11:13 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
An artist Vincent van Gogh
Was invited to an art show.
So he painted sunflowers
For hours and hours
And made lots of money you know.



The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, May 21, 2017 8:40:34 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was an Italian countess
Who spilt some champagne on her dress.
She sniffed the damp spot
And chuckled: "That blot
Gives off the sweet smell of success!"

When Cupid fired darts from above,
A colleague and I fell in love.
Our boss saw us kiss,
And spluttered: "What's this?"
I said: "It's biology, guv".

When Mozart was seven, his father
Would get in a bit of a lather
If the boy wrote a chord
That seemed untoward.
Said Wolfgang: "Let's stop if you'd rather".
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, July 18, 2017 9:19:24 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
In Yorkshire the cricket was bleak,
And teammates would often not speak.
If you hit in the air,
Your captain would swear,
And smiles were thought morally weak.

There was an old guy called Diego
Who only ate porridge and sago.
He shunned any food
That had to be chewed,
For he said it would give him lumbago.

There was a young woman called Vicky
Whose eating behaviour was picky.
She said to a waiter:
"These chips should be straighter".
He answered: "You're taking the mickey!"

The Duke of Medina Sidonia
Was struck with severe catatonia
When he saw the defeat
Of his much-vaunted fleet;
A lot of men died of pneumonia.
Hope123
Posted: Thursday, September 28, 2017 8:49:01 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
Online we have trolls and bots,
Who twist everything into knots,
They lie and they cheat
And pretend lies are neat
When sane people know they are not.

Bridge is a card game that's fun,
Conventions can often be done
So once you compete
For master points as a treat
You'll sure be glad that you won.


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, October 7, 2017 8:26:11 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was an impoverished actor
Who worked on a farm in a tractor.
When friends asked him why,
He would ruefully sigh:
"Well, money's the principal factor".

A boy who arrived at school late
Was made to stand up and narrate
The story of Rome
Before he went home -
It took him till twenty past eight.

There was an old fellow called Hector,
Who saw a quick-vanishing spectre.
Too frightened to search,
He hurried to church.
"It's just your late wife", said the rector.
Hope123
Posted: Tuesday, October 10, 2017 6:45:42 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
The Good Doctor made a diagnosis
He decided there was psychosis
The trick that he found
Was to get others around
To believe in the results of hypnosis.


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, January 23, 2018 7:46:20 AM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a young fellow called Brett
In an amateur woodwind quartet;
He played the buffoon
On his double bassoon
As he hadn't quite mastered it yet.

When Barbara Cartland was slated
For plots that were hackneyed and dated,
She said: "Listen, dearie,
Romance isn't dreary -
It's highly commercially rated".

The second King Charles was laid-back;
His morals were famously slack.
He'd sign urgent papers
While having lewd capers,
And those who complained got the sack.

When Russia became democratic,
The citizens' cheers were emphatic.
But now, many wonder
If that was a blunder,
And people are much less ecstatic.

The great Duke of Wellington said:
"When Bonaparte's army has fled,
I'll drink to our win,
And share my best gin
With those of you chaps who aren't dead".
Audiendus
Posted: Wednesday, April 25, 2018 9:59:47 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A would-be inventor called Fay
Proposed a dark-energy ray.
But her plan was aborted
When experts retorted:
"It's nonsense, I'm sorry to say".

Victorian women were mad
To follow the crinoline fad,
But voluminous dress
Was a roaring success,
So textile producers were glad.

Exams often make me go crazy,
As my memory tends to be hazy.
I know I should read
If I want to succeed,
But the fact is, I'm too bloody lazy.

There was a rich girl called Priscilla,
Who lived in a mock-Tudor villa.
She had an alarm
To protect her from harm,
And a Rottweiler dog called Attila.
jeans&sneakers
Posted: Thursday, May 3, 2018 8:08:28 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 6/13/2011
Posts: 2,723
Neurons: 8,472
Location: Cavite, Calabarzon, Philippines

Well, what can I say I'm no wordsmith
Took hours to form words that fit
Our friend Audiendus above there
Inspired me to write here
Even if my limericks' out of tune just a bit!


At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. Plato
Audiendus
Posted: Tuesday, May 15, 2018 9:13:17 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
There was a composer called Britten,
Of whom it has sometimes been written
That he conjures the ghost
Of the wild Suffolk coast -
Some hate it, but others are smitten.

In a small Scottish village near Ayr
Lived a girl with extremely long hair.
She required a spare seat
To keep it all neat;
On buses, they doubled her fare.

There was a young fellow called Toby
Who moved to a farm near Nairobi;
He didn't complain
About tropical rain -
He'd known severe drought in the Gobi.
Audiendus
Posted: Sunday, June 10, 2018 10:27:08 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
One poet was very prolific;
The speed of his work was terrific.
He explained: "As a bard,
I work very hard,
But avoid anything too specific".

In the years before internet chatter,
Young people would commonly natter
For hours on the phone
In a languorous tone;
They're now just as mindless, and fatter.

Some physicists stay up all night
Discussing the nature of light.
They've used the equations
On many occasions,
But still something doesn't seem right.
Hope123
Posted: Sunday, June 17, 2018 6:26:32 PM

Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 3/23/2015
Posts: 7,948
Neurons: 45,782
Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada
He boasts like he’s walking the walk
With moot comments replete in his talk.
Claims his faucets are fountains
And his molehills are mountains,
Sluing facts into mad poppycock.

-Gayle Tremblay, Saint John, Canada

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Anon
Audiendus
Posted: Saturday, June 23, 2018 10:12:04 PM
Rank: Advanced Member

Joined: 8/24/2011
Posts: 4,973
Neurons: 870,452
Location: London, England, United Kingdom
A journey by ship can be hairy
Where pirates attack the unwary.
Though Blackbeard's now dead
So there's less cause for dread,
Some parts of the seas are still scary.

A café was called 'Milk and Honey',
But its customers didn't feel sunny;
Brown sugar in tea
Cost 85p -
That's seventeen bob in old money.

There was an old codger called Fred
Who hoarded some stale loaves of bread.
His granddaughter Kay
Said "Throw them away!"
"They're wartime mementos", he said.

Some cricketers, though they were fat,
Were selected because they could bat.
These days, they must quit
If they don't become fit.
You can't really argue with that.
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